My Music

     Lately, I've been discovering some new artists that I'm beginning to fall in love with. First and foremost, is The Weeknd (pronounced WEEK-END). No, autocorrect, I didn't spell that wrong. I had first come across him (blindly) when I was listening to Drake (the song was "Crew Love" to be exact). I love Drake. More precisely, I love "Marvin's Room" or "Find Your Love" Drake, not The Motto (*cough* YOLO *cough*) or Bedrock Drake. I like the song that makes me miss people I've never known, his emotional songs. I actually confused The Weeknd for Drake initially  It wasn't until my brother corrected me did I realize that Drake wasn't the only person on the track. Then I completely forgot about The Weeknd. Recently, I came across another song, named "Thursday", and I immediately fell in love. To me, The Weeknd is a cross between Michael Jackson and Drake. The content of his music is similar to Drake but his voice is reminiscent of a young Michael Jackson. My favorite songs by The Weeknd (aka Abel Tesfaye) have to be "Wicked Games", "The Morning", "Loft Music", "Thursday", and "Twenty Eight."

     The second artist that I have grown to love is Frank Ocean. I heard about him earlier this year when he revealed that his first love was a man. Which was a big deal coming from someone in the hip hop community, known for its homophobia and the amount of support he received from fellow  hip hop artists. I love the songs "Novacane" and "Thinkin Bout You" (I can't explain the music video) the most. Unlike The Weeknd, whose music is very dark, Frank Ocean's music is much lighter. Both of them produce music I would describe as "Alternative Hip-Hop." While it contains a lot of the subject and lyrics of Hip Hop, the sound and feel is noticeably different. This music doesn't make you want to shake your ass.

     The last artist I wanted to mention is a band named Silverstein. I heard them for the first time while driving back from YMCA with my friend Arielle. I really love the song "Darling Harbour" which reminds me of the 2006-era music scene. Unlike that particular song, their music is mostly punk and emo.  Also Silverstein (like The Weeknd) are Canadians. God, do I love Canadians (except for Justin Bieber). 

A Year Already

     So Fred's birthday is this Saturday. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And it's finally hit me that its been a year since he's been gone. It all feels so unreal. Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving of my life that will not end with the entire family singing him Happy Birthday and eating cake. I won't run out of my room on Saturday morning to wish my big brother a happy birthday. I won't be able to complain about the fact that Fred is the only person that ever eats the stuffing in my family and that there is no use in making it.  This last year has been tough. I feel as if most people don't sympathize with my loss of my brother. They either don't repsond, act aloof, or say naive things that insinuate that I deserve to be terrorized. Then I remind myself that the relationship I had with Fred is one-in-a-million. In a way, no one (except one person maybe) relates to my bond with my brother. We almost like twins, we look alike (so they say), have the same liverspots on our hands, same birthmark underneath our right bicep, and we both constantly clash with Stephen. Its weird because everyone talks about their "best friend" and saying "(blank) is like family to me." Well, all of my best friends are family. My own flesh and blood. My favorite memory of Fred was when I about six. We were at our grandmother's house and we would go outside and catch lizards. I never caught anything but I enjoyed going because he made me feel important and we would always talk. We didn't discuss quantum physics or the meaning of life but I enjoyed hearing about "big-kid stuff" like homework and races and music with cursing. As ridiculous as it sounds, I remember asking Fred who he plans on marrying. He probably didn't know about incest or the law yet either because he said "If I can't find someone, I'll pick you." Another one of my favorite memories is when we went to Epcot together a couple of years ago. We waited in line for Soarin for about 3 hours, and once I got on the ride, I chickened out because I'm scared of heights. He talked me back in to going on the ride but I was still terrified. I vividly remember him clenching my hand (because he was scared of heights as well) the entire ride and somehow, I felt better. Its weird to think of him today. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder what went through his mind on my birthday. What's going through his mind now that its the day before Thanksgiving and no one has seen him for months. He probably thinks that my family's forgotten him. I wish I could write him a letter reminding him of the unconditional love my family has for him. That even though he hurt all of us, that we all have the strength and courage to forgive. That he will forever be my big brother and hold a special place in my heart.
     I wonder what will happen in this next year. I pray that Fred has a happy, healthy and safe birthday and many more to come. I pray that I will be reunited with my brother. And most importantly, I pray that he will conquer the demons that have possessed him for this past year. I have faith in God that things will get better and I know that with time, faith and prayer, God will answer. If there is a will, there is a way.

I tried so hard, and got so far, in the end, it doesn't even matter.

     So today I took finished my midterms and got my final grades for the semester. I'm not to sure about how I feel about it. I mean, there's all the shit that's going on at home, my grandmother has pneumonia, and I miss my brothers terribly.  Yesterday while at a "study session", which turned in to one big hilarious shit talking fest, a certain friend remarked on why he stopped striving for straight A's. He said that life was much more fun once you let go a little. I currently don't have straight A's, and for the most part (excluding earlier), I'm pretty fine. Jealous Assholes try to make me dwell on the fact that I don't have them (as if having straight A's makes your life any better, happier, or enjoyable) but I'm fine. Life goes on, the sun keeps shining. Sometimes my best won't be an A. Compared to last year, I'm much more happier (albeit more easily irritated). I guess I'm more laissez faire than I was before. I have clubs, I actually do crap outside of school (contrary to popular belief, school isn't the only gig I have going) and spend time doing miscellaneous activities (spending time with family and Grace). I'd rather have true friends, happiness, and sanity, than to drive myself to the brink (or the need of therapy) just for an A on a piece of paper. While A's are nice, they REALLY aren't everything, an idea that is becoming more clear by the second. I can become a doctor without getting straight A's. My calculus teacher (as evil as she can be) even prided herself in being my first teacher to give me a B. Kudos to her. But, I realized (in 20 minutes), that I'm kind of, no, I AM proud of myself. Having 3 AP classes, at least 4 hours of homework a night, my leadership program, NHS, and somehow making new friends has brought me farther than any A I could have ever received. In a way, I took my grades for granted. This was the first time, my best wasn't good enough. Even the best fall down sometimes. I've fallen and I've gotten right back up. I'm kind of glad that this happened. Failure is inevitable and I'm glad to have faced it now and moved on than to have gotten the A and continued to live in a fool's paradise. 

Schizophrenia and Mental Disorder

      Schizo. Coo-coo. Wacko. Nutso. Freak. All terms for people with mental disorders. Mental disorders are stigmatized in the United States although over 20% of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. More likely than not, you will be affected by someone that suffers from a mental illness, whether it be Anxiety Disorders, Schizophrenia, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anorexia etc. Society portrays those with mental disorders as violent, unintelligent, and subhuman. How dare you call someone "subhuman." While not everyone is intelligent (mentally ill people included), not everyone that suffers from a mental illness is stupid. John Nash, an extremely gifted (and Nobel Prize-winning)  mathematician, whose story that was portrayed in the movie A Beautiful Mind, was schizophrenic.
     The mental disorder that has affected me personally is Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a chemical imbalance of dopamine in the brain that causes characteristic auditory hallucinations that are often paranoid in nature. 1 in 100 people have Schizophrenia. Unfortunately, not much research is put into the disease, even though it is common. Schizophrenia (along with Suicide Ideation) is one of the most stigmatized diseases in the United States. While I do believe that diseases such as heart disease and cancer deserve the attention and awareness they receive, I feel like the vast majority of the population believes that they are the ONLY diseases that can be spoken about in public. Research in Schizophrenia should be just as common as other diseases. Schizophrenia just  is a chemical imbalance, just like diabetes.
     I seriously don't see why mental disorders are stigmatized. I hate it when someone says a person "took their own life." It makes the deceased look like they are selfish for what they did, instead of having compassion for a person who was so down that they didn't believe that there was a way out. Its considered good publicity for a celebrity to attend a Heart Disease charity event, but what about a Bipolar Disorder one? More likely than not, no one will seem to care, and if they do, it will be bad publicity. I respect Catherine Zeta-Jones for deciding to open up to suffering from Bipolar II Disorder. Numerous artists have opened up to having mental disorders of their own. But that's not enough. EVERYONE needs to know that mental disorders don't make you less than an average person. If everyone knew this, then more people would be asking for help. The stigma of mental disorder stops many people from acknowledging that they indeed are mentally ill and need help.
     I want to do something. I want to spread the word about mental illnesses, especially Schizophrenia. I want to see a world where people aren't judged for having a mental illness. Where people can realize that mental disorders are just as bad as physical ones, and deserve the same attention. That people with mental disorders are people too. They have wants, needs, responsibilities and most of all, deserve respect.

If you want some more information:
1. Schizophrenia- A Personal Story
2. Schizophrenia-Ashley's Story
3. Mental Illness Stigma
4. National Alliance on Mental Illness

Questionnaire

Here you go Giselle,

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?- No
2. You talked to an ex today, correct?- I have no exes.
4. Is trust a big issue for you?- Not really
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?- I wish
6. What are you excited for?- Graduation
7. What happened tonight? Nothing
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?Yes
9. Is confidence cute? Kind of
10. What is the last beverage you had? Milk
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? None
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yes, 2
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Nothing
14. What are you going to spend money on next? Clothes.
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? No
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yes
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My mother
18. The last time you felt broken? Two weeks ago
19. Have you had sex today? No
20. Are you starting to realize anything? My life is boring
21. Are you in a good mood? Yes
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? No
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Probably
24. What do you want right this second? Someone to hang out with
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I hope that bitch falls in a ditch.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Yesterday's lunch
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Yes
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? No
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No
34. Listening to? Taylor Swift, all day everyday.
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Yes, math mostly
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Yes
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? I wouldn't know
38. Who did you last call? My mom
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Don't remember
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I loved them.
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Months ago
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No, but I wish I had
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Nope (thank the lord)
44. Do you tan in the nude? I'm too dark to tan
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Not for the world
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No
47. Who was the last person to call you? My mom
48. Do you sing in the shower? Yes
49. Do you dance in the car? No. Only because my car doesn't have tinted windows.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? No
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? A month ago
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? NO
53. Is Christmas stressful? Not for me. I just receive the gifts.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? I'm not Polish.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? DOCTOR
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Not sure
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? YES
59. Take a vitamin daily? No
60. Wear slippers? No I have carpet
61. Wear a bath robe? No, I like to air dry after a shower.
62. What do you wear to bed? Pajamas
63. First concert? Haven't been to a real one yet...Hopefully Taylor Swift next Spring
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Wal-Mart
65. Nike or Adidas? Nike
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Neither
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Peanuts
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Enchanted, Back to December, Untouchable, Forever and Always, and EVERYTHING ELSE
69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes, Jazz when I was little
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Doctor
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes
72. Ever won a spelling bee?Nope
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes
74. What is your favorite book? The Pact by Jodi Picoult
75. Do you study better with or without music? Without
76. Regularly burn incense? No
77. Ever been in love? No
78. Who would you like to see in concert?Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry
79. What was the last concert you saw? Refer to the original "concert" question
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot
81. Tea or coffee? Tea
82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip
83. Can you swim well? I'm black
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes
85. Are you patient? No
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Band
87. Ever won a contest? Yes
88. Ever have plastic surgery? No
89. Which are better black or green olives? Black is always better
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Fine as long as both people consent
91. Best room for a fireplace? Living room
92. Do you want to get married? Yes.

Because these things will change

     My aunt tells me that change is the one constant of life. Everyone and everything changes. In all honesty, I like the person I'm changing into. I trust no one, other than my mom whom I trust with all of my heart, I've learned that I can't force people into my life, people come and go, and most importantly, I stopped (for the most part) being so selfish. The last thing was probably the hardest since its so easy to say "Why does everything happen to me?" and its not easy to realize that not everything happening to you. I like the fact that slowly (but surely) I'm becoming more social and less shy, something I've been wanting for years. I like being with different people and hearing different stories than my usual friends. With that being said, I also love being alone and working independently. Because when push comes to shove, people will bail- "friends" will betray you. While I do accept (and ask for) help when its needed , I don't like using others as a crutch... Its just not how my mother raised me. That leads to my next subject- dating or courtship, which shouldn't really be a subject but I always have to put my two cents into everything. Its not that I don't want a guy, but its simply that I don't need a guy. People around you don't equate to happiness. Kurt Cobain was loved by millions but he still committed suicide. My grandmother always tells me not to let guys "whisper in my ear" (don't know why I set that off in quotes) and that I should wait. Since my grandmother has been right about everything, I've decided to listen to her before I get my heart broken or find myself alone, not in med school, and a mother. I think the vast majority of high school relationships are pointless. Not because I want all of them to fail, but (correct me if I'm wrong) because most of them don't seem to be worth the heartache and pain when break ups occur. I don't want to tell my daughters about the 50 men I dated before I met their father. I would rather just speak about 3 or 4 good relationships that led me to the right one.
     The only thing that hasn't changed is my final destination. I want to be either a neonatologist or a pediatric psychiatrist when I grow up. I seriously can't wait to graduate high school and just be done with all of the trifle little things and people. I haven't decided where I want to go (mostly honors med programs up north), but by God I know where I want to end up. Even though its considered normal to not know what your career path may be, I don't think there has ever been a day in my life where I didn't see myself becoming a MD. I know that the road is tough (and expensive) but I think I can manage.
     I used to despise change. Even though I've gone through things that I wouldn't wish on someone else, it has made me who I am. What doesn't kill you truly makes you stronger. And I wouldn't change that for the world.

Thoughts During School

     As you may have noticed (but I doubt you actually did), I haven't blogged much. Mostly because (contrary to what you may believe) I have things to do after school and/or weekends- homework. But lately, I've been spending most of my days in my personal hell/heaven (depending on the day)- School. During school, I think. Sometimes about what is being said, the intelligence of my peers, or anything else. Here are the most common thoughts:

• *When I see the kids (excluding my good-looking friends)*-My school is full of creatures. 
• *When one kid won't stop blathering to my Calculus teacher (and me on occasion)*-Shut the fuck up
• *When the guy I like speaks in second period*-You're (NOT YOUR) an idiot.
• *When a slutty girl calls another girl a slut*-Honey, it takes one to know one.
• *When I'm walking in the hallway*- MOVE BITCH
• *When I walk into school*-When am I going to graduate?
• *When I walk out of school*- One day closer to graduation!

My inspiration, Spongebob Squarepants once said "At least I'm safe inside my mind..." Thank the lord, no one knows my inner thoughts.

IG Pics

I wish that there was more than just a generic "Like" button on Instagram. A "LOVE X1000000000000" would be awesome. Here are my favs

Junior Year

      Wow...I feel like I haven't blogged in forever...I guess it was because school started. Well, anyways, I'm officially a junior! So far, the year has been (for lack of a better term) fine. I don't really feel overwhelmed. Yet. I have four core classes, an extra curricular activity that requires being out of school once a month, an officer in training for National Honor Society, and I plan on joining some clubs (one of which Stan happens to be an officer for). I'm really excited for this year, mostly so I can get everything for college done and over with so I can graduate.(Finally!) I plan on taking my SAT and ACT this spring, which seems a little daunting because I did less than perfect on my PSAT last year.
    Last Friday, I decided to speak with my calculus teacher about an issue that really bothered me (not math related but I'd rather not say here). I ended up staying with her for about 25 minutes, mostly her lecturing me (it was a good one) about my issue. She said something that I've never really registered in my mind. I'm currently tied for the valedictorian spot in my grade. She said that people (in my school especially) are very two faced and will sometimes say things to put you down out of jealousy. I never really thought I'm worth envying. She referred to last year's senior class valedictorian, who was widely loved and hated. She said that many people didn't believe that Sara (the valedictorian) deserved the honor. I think it was mostly because of jealousy. This girl was perfect and basically an academic all-around. I guess I just realized that there are (and are going to be) people who don't think I deserve it. Which really blows my mind simply because I do think I deserve it. Not that it really matters. Valedictorian or salutatorian does not equate to better jobs or better money. But for some reason, it means the world to me. It's the best "good job" I can give my mother, my aunt,my grandmother or my family. It's the best "your sacrifices were worth it" I can give to them. That even though one of your sons has gone off the deep end, there's still hope. Why go to school if you don't intend on being your best? For me, that has always meant THE BEST. Or maybe its my competitiveness. One of my friends once asked me "If you could get straight F's for the rest of high school or kill everyone, what would you do?" It wasn't an easy decision but in all honesty, I only see myself talking to two people (and hopefully married to another) after high school ends. That's how much grades mean to me.
       Grades aren't the only important aspect of this year, I also have a lot of things going on outside of school. First and foremost, I'm doing this leadership program. We get to visit the jail, colleges, and important areas all over my county. Plus, I'm guaranteed great food and being out once a month won't affect my perfect attendance. I'm also excited for NHS. We plan on doing a lot of activities that benefit our community. Finally, (cross my fingers) I'm going on College Tour. Its an entire weekend devoted to visiting colleges all over my state (and my dream school is included). Stan went last year and told me about it (including what he ate at each school). I'm so excited.
     I'm interested in what my junior year has in store for me.

To all my kickass women, courtesy of the internet

"In spite of everything I still believe that people are good at heart. I simply cannot build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death."-Anne Frank

     One person (other than my mom) who inspires me to achieve greatness is Anne Frank. Anne Frank was a Jewish teenager who wrote a diary while her family was in hiding during the German Occupation of The Netherlands during World War II. I have read multiple biographies of her life and her now famous diary, which I am now considering reading for the third time. My favorite quote from it is " In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death." The quote speaks volumes about who she was as a person. She was far wise beyond her years. And now that I think about it, she's right. There are good people in this world. Not everyone is bad. About a week ago, my mother fell while she was trying to drop books off in the bin at the library. Before I got to her, there were  30 people trying to help her.
  I try my best to live up to that quote. To keep an open mind about others.  I know that I've said that "I hate people!" in the past, but now I kinda regret saying that. It's kind of wrong. Unless you've met all 6 (or 7 I forget) billion people, you can't judge them all, especially before meeting most of them. I will love some people and I hate others. But at least I give them all a fair chance in the beginning. Having a negative attitude sets me up for failure. My freshman year of high school, I have to say, I was pretty happy. And I met a lot of people. Some I like, and some I wish I hadn't met. Last year though, I was really unhappy for the most part and I kind of went into my shell. And I didn't really meet anyone new. I hope my junior year (which is less than a week away) will go much better.
   My favorite part of the quote is the last sentence. It's pretty straightforward. Whenever I'm upset, I think to myself "What could happen that would make me happy?" I either give myself two options, food or nothing. Most of my problems stem from things I have no control over. So why fight it? If I'm constantly unhappy, where do my hopes go? Down the toilet. And I've fought too long and too hard for that to happen.
    I love the quote because of the feeling it evokes in me. Anne wrote that down in the attic of an office building in Amsterdam hiding from the Nazis. She knew being caught was certain death. She knew of the atrocities that were happening outside of the building. Yet she remained hopeful. And she was two years younger than me (most likely 14 when she wrote the quote, months away from being caught). If she could muster up all  that strength, then by God I can too.

Rap Music

     Okay guys, it's time for my quarterly rant. This time, its gonna be about rap music. No topics will be barred. I'm not afraid to say it, I really enjoy rap music. I like the beat and feel of it. 808's and synthesizers only make the music better. Judging by others opinions, Rap is a love it or hate it kind of thing. Some people love it and others fervently oppose it, for a variety of reasons. My problem with people who don't like it stems from two observations: one being that never really listened to real rap music and they go by harsh stereotypes on what is it to be a rapper. One day in history class, a kid, Devon, made a comment about some word in a rap song and its potential meaning. My teacher, Mr. Steinbeck, said something along the lines of "Raps not real music, just noise people make. Women say that they are being degraded yet they sing along to the music." I was seething with annoyance at that point. He didn't even know what real rap music is. All he had  probably ever heard is that (for lack of a better term) "Pussy, Money, and Weed" sub genre of rap music. NOT ALL RAP IS LIKE THAT! Second of all, people always use stereotypes. I loathe stereotypes. They're degrading for the most part, rude, and disrespectful. People claim that they aren't racist/judgmental on others yet they continue to use stereotypes. I am perfectly aware of the fact that most rappers are young black men and they  appeal to a crowd of young black men. But sorry, not all young black men are hustlers, rapists, and drug dealers.
     A large issue with rap music is the use of the N word.... NIGGER. In the hip hop community, NIGGER is used as a way to identify another black male. In the rest of society, it is a degrading term for African Americans. Well, lets face reality. There will always be racist people and they will never stop calling blacks  NIGGERS. I might as well get used to it. My pre-calc teacher (who was Argentinian) referred to other Hispanics at her high school as "spics." Girls call themselves "bitches" and "whores" with pride, and no one (of any race) is crying about that. Not all rappers use the word, listen to them. Get over it.
     Another equally large issue with rap music is its ideals of women (most of them being degrading, of course). But to be brutally honest, I've heard women being degraded in many genres of music such as rock, country, and pop. We live in an over-sexualized society, with with questionable views of women in music, movies, and books everywhere. But to say a whole entire genre of music is about sex without even listening to all of it is a little judgmental, isn't it?
    Not to say that rappers aren't judgemental themselves. One of the worst atrocities to rap music, Lil Wayne is known for saying "No homo" before he starts rapping, and another hot mess, Tyler the Creator, is known for his use of anti-gay slurs in his lyrics. But to say that all rappers are homophobes would be incorrect. Slowly but surely, they are changing. Earlier this summer, a rapper, Frank Ocean, admitted that his first love was a man. While he did receive death threats from ignorant assholes on Twitter, many people in the rap community like Russell Simmons ( RUN DMC), Jay-Z, Kanye West, Chris Brown (albeit a violent woman beater), 50 Cent, Jamie Foxx, and Beyonce voiced public support for him.
    I have to say, I'm suprised that you're still reading. But anyways, you must be wondering, "Sara, what do YOU like?" Well, in a nutshell, I like OLD rap music, mostly from the 1980's and 1990's and a few exceptions in the millennium (but next to nothing post-2009). If you have never listened to rap before and you are wondering what I think is good here's a list:

My Favorite Rap Songs

1. Dear Mama- Tupac Shakur Why I love this song: My mother is my world. I heard this song for the first time on Mothers Day a couple of years ago. Its hard for me not to cry when I hear this song. Not to say that kids who grow up with two parents don't love them as much, but I really think that when you're the child of a single parent, especially a mom, you have a special love for them that goes much deeper. Instead of having two people, you just have one and you become especially grateful for the one you have. My mother is more than my mother, she's my mother AND my father rolled in one. And I wouldn't want it any other way. 
2. Dead Presidents- Jay Z Why I love this song: This was the first rap song I have ever listened to. My uncle loves to retell the story of how he was at McDonald's when this song first came on and having no clue who the hell Jay-Z was and the fact that he would go on to become his favorite rapper. And mine too. 
3. Juicy- Notorious B.I.G Why I love this song: This is probably the most cliche-d rap song out there. I'd assume you've been living under a rock (or haven't been in my weight training class) if you say that you've never heard the opening lines to this song. The song is about change. Changing your life for the better (but not using the legal route sometimes). Changing from negative to positive. Isn't that what life's about?
4. Stan- Eminem Why I love this song: Best. Eminem.Song. Ever. Period. To understand the song, you must, and I say must, listen to the FULL version of the song (uncensored preferably). As sick and twisted as it comes off, its truly a work of art. Plus, it samples one of my all time favorite songs "Thank You" by Dido.
5. Fugees-Killing Me Softly Why I love this song: I'm not a big fan of covers, but this is an exception. My mom loved Lauryn Hill (before she lost her marbles) and this is one of our favorite songs.
6. Through The Wire- Kanye West Why I love this song: I LOVE the old Kanye West. Before money before fame (and Kim Kardashian). When his mother ruled his world. This is true Kanye West. All I have to say is "Can you write and rap a song with your mouth wired shut?"
7. Jesus Walks- Kanye West Why I love this song: Kanye West Classic. Even though he can be an arrogant jerk, Kanye West has made some pretty good points in his music, especially in this song.
8. 99 Problems- Jay-Z Why I love this song: I'm not thrilled about the lyrics but I happen to love the second verse and the music video. The generic conversation between a cop and a minority caught driving a car. Taught me a little about our Fourth Amendment. God Bless 'Merica.
9. Day N'Nite- Kid Cudi Why I love this song: He's hot. And talented. Perfect Combination. Eeerily reminds me of Fred though. This is the most recent song on this list.
10. Walk this Way- RUN DMC/ Aerosmith , Over and Over- Nelly and Tim McGraw, and Numb/Encore: Jay-Z/ Linkin Park  Why these songs are tied: All of these songs show how rap can be intertwined with other genres of music (like rock and country).

Catch Up

     I feel like summer is going by way too fast. In less than a month, I will be starting the 11th grade, which I am not thrilled to do. Yes, that puts me closer to graduating and leaving, but I can already tell that I am going to be extremely stressed out with two APs, honors, SAT/ACT tests, and other commitments. School hasn't even started yet and I already have an essay to write, a calculus packet with over 100 questions, in addition to a school wide summer reading book. A lot of things have changed in the past month. But here are the big three.
Change #1- I think it's safe to say that I'm over AJ. I don't have any bad feelings over him because of D-day and everything, but I still feel embarrassed over everything. I used to be sad whenever I realized the fact that I won't see him again but now his absence seems to be a great relief to me. With me, I don't just "get over" a guy and just go through a time when I don't like anybody. Its more like my subconscious says "On to the next one!" and within a week I like someone else. This guy isn't new and my feelings for him aren't either. I've liked this guy since 8th grade. What sucks is that when I didn't like him, we had five classes together, were kinda sorta friends and he hugged me on the last day of 7th grade. The great thing is that we're in the same grade and I usually see him a lot in the hallways. I haven't decided on an alias yet. I look forward to a year full of awkward stares and glances.
Change #2- I did something this summer that I've never done before- wear a bikini to the pool/beach. Before, I would always wear those two pieces that cover the stomach (I think its called a tankini). While I don't have a rockin' body, I think I look fine. If I don't wear a bikini now, when will I? I'm definitely not waiting till I'm older (god knows how much weight I will gain by then). So I asked my mom about it and she said yes, but with a large amount of reluctance. I wore my first bikini on June 30th 2012 on vacation. I know it sounds cheesy putting the date and stuff but I think that was a big day for me.
Change #3- Fred. A couple of weeks ago, my mother filed for a protection order against my brother, Fred. The protection order, also known as a restraining order, required that Fred stay away from my mother and Grace at all times. Jack, my oldest brother, still tried to serve as an intermediary between them. As time went on, Fred's relationship with Jack and my mother deteriorated. His behavior became more and more erratic and endangering to Grace.She, being a two year old, became significantly aggressive and started slapping, throwing shoes, and she learned to say "Oh, Shit!". The protective order was officially given about three weeks ago and Fred was told to stay away from my mother and Grace. He fled to my grandmother's house and started problems there. He vandalized the car of the tenants who are renting the upstairs rooms. When my uncle Sean returned from vacation, he told Fred to go and never come back. Out of respect, he left. Only to go back to my mother and therefore breaking the protective order. My mother previously changed the locks and closed the windows and was not home when he returned. Fred broke the windows to the apartment and entered. My mother called the police and he was arrested. She slept over my aunts house and stayed in my room with Grace. It's just hit me that I haven't cried yet. And I really feel like it. When he was here, I just wanted him gone so I wouldn't be so scared. Now that he's gone, I feel weird. It's a mix of anxiety and relief, as odd as it sounds. I feel especially bad for my mother. A few days before, I was looking through some old baby photos and asking how each of us were like when we were babies. Then I came to him and I asked her. And she was like "He gave me the least problems...If you gave him Cheerios and put him in front of the TV, it was as if there was no baby." Growing up, I don't ever recall Fred getting into trouble. This would have been easier if it had been Stephen or Jack simply because they have always given my mother trouble. Its so weird thinking that the child you expected the best from has let you down and is continuing to let you down. I used to get upset at my mom for not calling the police when she should have and letting Fred push all three of us (Me, Stephen, and Jack) away but I see perfectly why. When it's your child, the last thing you want to do is give up. But there comes a time when you have to give up and save yourself, which I think is perfectly okay.

Janet Mock

     I don't remember how or why, but I recently came across this website about a woman named Janet Mock. When I looked at the picture on the homepage, I have to say, I was struck by how beautiful she was. My first thought was "Maybe shes a model or something." Browsing the page, I soon learned that she was fighting for "#girlslikeus." I didn't know exactly what she meant at first. Black girls? Scrolling more, I realized that she was transgender. I clicked on the "Bio" link and watched a short video where Janet explains her younger years and realizing that she was born the wrong gender. Personally, I do believe that Gender Identity Disorder is real. People can be born the wrong sex. As if it doesn't hurt enough to be a girl in a boy's body, or a boy in a girl's body, many trans men and women are excluded from single gender groups and activities.  For instance, Jenna Talackova, faced discrimination from the Miss Universe organization because she is a (trans) woman. Though she was allowed to compete in the end, the organization's decision to include her was highly criticized. Why they were criticized, I really don't know.

   If  it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck, and thinks it's a duck, then it's a duck. Same thing for genders. If a person walks like a woman, talks like a woman, acts like a woman, and believes that she is a woman, than she is a woman. Same for men. It's as simple as that. Boobs and a vagina don't make a woman. Many breast cancer patients must have double mastectomies to save their lives. So if they choose to have the surgeries, they aren't women anymore? 

     With more people sharing their stories of being transgender today than any other time before, it opens up the questions like, What is a boy? What is a girl? Are there only two genders? Part of me says "Yes." But what do I know? I'm a perfectly comfortable girl. Most of my life, I have stuck to society's views on what a girl (or any human being carrying the XX chromosome) is supposed to wear, do, and act. For the most part, I have conformed to my gender (with the exception of my past hobby being catching lizards). But what is it like when you don't...or can't conform and be content with yourself?  Maybe there are people who identify themselves as "intersex" or "middlesex." After looking at the page and learning about what it means to be a a (trans) woman, I have to commend Janet (and all women like her) for her courage. I will never understand fully what it means to be transgender or to be born in the wrong sex, but learning the stories behind the names helps so much. Sometimes, being yourself openly is hard and painful, but in the end, it's always worth it. 

                                                                                                                                             
Janet Mock Website

But it’s just the price I pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes, cause I'm Mr. Brightside

     So my birthday I coming up soon. I have to say, this is the first time that I'm not sure what I want as a gift or what I want to do for the day. It's so weird. For the last three years, I've wanted to go to this water park that's nearby and every year, something came up so I couldn't go. And every year, I'd let that put a damper on the day I was given life by my mother. I will either spend the day at the beach  with my loved ones and then go to dinner or just go to the mall, go shopping, and then out to dinner. I think I'm leaning towards the mall. 
      Right now, I feel very content with my life. I try to find beauty in all of the imperfections that my life brings. It's pretty damn easy to just sit at home and dwell on the bad things, believe me. And for the past couple of months, that seems like all I was doing. These are supposed to be my prime years, I'm not going to waste them on bad things, especially when I have no control over most of them. Some people will like me, other won't. Friends will come and go. Money comes and goes. Living your life to please others guarantees that you will live a miserable life. You may hold people to a high esteem and more often than not, they will let you down. The people that have stuck with you through your tears are the only ones that deserve your smile. In real life, there will always be problems. Nothing will always be 100% perfect. I think I've accepted that my carefree life is over. Real life is settling in (for me at least). People may put on a persona that they're life is always sunny but everyone has problems. Just because you see smiles doesn't mean there are no tears; the hurt is hiding, always. People deal with their hurt in different ways. Some just smile and get through it. Some become materialistic, ex. "retail therapy." Few turn to drugs. No one ( and I mean no one) is perfect.
     I was under the false hope that my teenage years would be the best years of my life. For the most part, they are turning out to be my worst. But why? Because I'm letting that happen. We can't control what we feel, but we can control how we react to it. I keep acting like people can read my mind, and frankly, they can't. I've learned that if you want something, you have to say it. If someone hurt you, try to talk to them. If you're worried about someone, just say it. I need to stop bottling things up and just saying what I feel. Yes, you will hurt some people. But that's life. You won't make everybody happy. There will be people that will hate you just for being yourself and you will piss people off just by smiling. Another source of my unhappiness was my constant comparison to other people. I would look at someone and think "What does she have that I don't?" Then my mind would go into a frenzy. It's not worth it. There are things I have that others don't. There are things others have that I don't. And I'm perfectly okay with it. I have to be thankful what I do have, not jealous over the things I don't have.

"We aim to please, Ms.Steele"

     So I recently, downloaded an audible copy of Fifty Shades if Grey by E.L. James. In all honesty, I think Fifty Shades is one of my favorite books of all time. As mentioned before, it follows the unusual relationship between billionaire Christian Grey and recent college grad Anastasia Steele. The only reason i took me a week to read the entire book was because I was on vacation and my aunt would have had my head if she found out that I was reading this book. So now I am anxiously waiting for the library to give me the book. Its been "In Transit" for the past week now and very little is stopping me from calling to check exactly where my book is. I read the sample to Fifty Shades Darker and I have to say, it is exhilarating so far. This book deals with Christian's past and former submissives.
     Personally, I don't see the big deal. Yes, there's sex. And yes, it explicitly involves BDSM. No, that's not the reason I'm reading the book. I'm a sucker for romance novels (and Christian Grey)  and after hearing so many people rant and rave about the book, I decided to check it out myself. After reading a sample I fell in love. Some people say that it's just like Twilight, but I personally don't see it, even though Fifty Shades was originally a fan fiction piece. I have to say I am very excited for the move to come out. I'm curious to who will play Ana and Christian. I definitely hope its not Kristen Stewart. In plainest language, I think shes too-boring. Every time I see her, she has that "What the hell am I doing here" stare and its kinda annoying. If she were cast that would also bring the whole "Fifty Shades-Twilight Comparison." I would prefer someone along e lines of Felicity Jones or Lucy Hale for Ana. The only person I see fit for Christian Grey is Ryan Gosling.

Need I say more?
  

    

Lucy Hale

Feliciy Jones

'MERICA!!!!!

So Lady Liberty is celebrating her 236th birthday tomorrow. How do I plan on celebrating? Simple. Doing a rant on the love of my country. I love my country!!!!! My mother and grandmother are immigrants from the Caribbean. So I guess I am "first generation." In all honesty, nowadays, no one, especially newly arrived immigrants of all nationalities, don't show their love and gratitude for the country they now call home. I can't help but feel irritated when someone that lives HERE says "Oh, I'm not American, I'm (insert other nationality here) " My thoughts are like "How dare you say that!" If you dislike this country so much, go back to where you came from! Its perfectly fine if someone says "I'm (nationality)- American" because they hold on to both cultures and identities. But purposely omitting America is rude and disrespectful. Another thing that pushes my buttons is when people refuse to stand for things like the Pledge of Allegiance or the national anthem. You don't have to belt out the lyrics but you have to stand if you are able bodied. At least show some respect.
I know my country isn't the best anymore. China is practically beating us at our own game. But people tend to forget that most of the Chinese live in abject poverty. That cannot be said about the great US of A. Although our economy isn't as great as it used to be, I am extremely proud of our country.
It IS possible to cone to this country and achieve the American Dream. My grandmother did it. She cane here with nothing but the clothes in her suitcase, no understanding of the English language, and very little formal education. But with hard work and dedication, she became prosperous. And she didn't receive any help from anyone. This is why I love this country. The fact that anyone can achieve anything if you put your mind to it. Not that it will be easy and painless, but it can happen. From the bottom of my heart, GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

     I usually don't read extremely popular books but I REALLY want to read this book. At first, I didn't understand why a book about BDSM (look it up) was so popular. After browsng the Kindle Store, I decided to read a sample. Needless to say, I fell in love. Though I wouldn't call E.L. James the next Emily Bronte or JK Rowling, I have to say, she has a knack for writing romance novels.
     So I assume some people have heard about the book. Let me dispel one rumor: IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT SEX. There is sex in the novel but that is not the main plotline. The story follows Anastasia Steele, a recent college grad and her relaionship with billionaire Christian Grey.  Steele, a girl who has never dated before, is immediately attracted to Grey, which is something that puzzles her at first. Grey, a billionaire with demons of his own, is attracted to Steele but yearns for control, something he explicitly states. And that's how far I got. I'm currently on the waiting list (#835) at the local library. I'm really curious to what happens next. I'm dying to read more. I wish I had money to buy a copy. There wasn't any sex in what I read but I am curious to how that's supposed to play a role. I think the book could have been just as good without it.

Where have you been

     I used to really like Rihanna. Not that I don't now, but my distaste for her has grown considerably recently.  Her vocals haven't changed much but the themes in her songs have. Her songs used to be about dancing and love and what not. Now they are all about sex. Whether it be oral, BDSM, or spontaneous, sex seems to be a recurrent, and irritating theme.
     Sex sells. Its that plain and simple. That's why it's in the media. Nothing gets a person's attention (good or bad) better than sex. That's why songs about it are almost always popular. For Rihanna, I guess it started with "S&M." The songs extols the joys of S&M, also known as sadomasochism, (a subset of BDSM) which is the receiving of pleasure by giving or receiving pain. I don't have a problem with S&M or BDSM. They are different types of erotic tastes that many people privately have. I think its perfectly fine to have those tastes, as long as it's safe and consensual. With that being said, I don't think it's okay to write some raunchy song about it just to sell albums.Since it was a major hit,  I would assume that afterwards, Rihanna caught on and decided that she would make an album solely devoted to sex. Which she did. To be honest, Talk that Talk should have been named "Talk Some Sex."   Most of the songs on the album refers to sex in some way, shape or form. I'd be lying if I said that I hated every song. I do like "We Found Love" and "Where Have You Been" (in addition to "Take Care" on Drake's album) which were not that overtly sexual at all (thank god!) The worst atrocity on this album has got to be "Birthday Cake." Even without the remix with Chris Brown, (remember him? the guy who beat her up and sent her to the hospital? obviously Rihanna doesn't) the song was disgusting. The song probably ranks amongst the most sexual songs that I have heard on the radio, even though at final length it is only 1:18 seconds long. Most of the lyrics include Rihanna chanting "Cake Cake Cake... (15 times)" To end with a hoorah, the songs fades out with her saying "I wanna fuck you right now." I mean, she didn't have to say that. If a person listened to the first minute of the "song" they would have already inferred that line. Before listening to this song, I didn't know cake could mean anything other than a dessert I eat on my birthday. Kudos to Rihanna for making it mean something more perverted.
    I hope the  old Rihanna comes back. I like the old music much better than the new. Sex sells, but it won't take her far. After a while, people are gonna get tired like me and want to listen to something else.

'Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten.

     I think I heard that for the first time in Lilo and Stitch. Even though she was an only child, she had a really good idea of what family is. My family is different from most. I have a mother, who is the strongest person I know. I have three older brothers, Jack, Fred, and Stephen. And one younger sister, Grace. I don't live with my dad or even know him for that matter. If he were essential to my upbringing, he'd be here. And since he wasn't, it only proved that I didn't need him. Out of sight, out of mind.
Mom- I love my mother. Ya, she's always late, she has poor sense of style, and she gets easily annoyed. I love her. No matter how many "I love yous" I give her, I don't think she knows. She's incredibly strong, too. She moved to the US when she was a teenager, had to learn English on her own, and stay after class at school just to review the material because she didn't understand it. She suffered through an abusive marriage and still found a reason to smile at the end of the day. Every time life gives her lemons, she makes one hell of a lemonade.
Jack- Jack is my oldest brother. He's 23 right now and he's the father to my nephew Elijah. When we were younger, in all honesty, I didn't really know him. He was eight years older than I and had different friends from me. In a way, I didn't see him as my brother, just a "brother" figure. Now that he moved back with his fiancee and son (my nephew), its nice to get to know him and know how proud he is of me. With everything that's going on with Fred, he's been helping my mom better than I could have ever imagined.
Fred- Fred is my older brother. I don't think I've come out and said it before. Out of all three boys, growing up (as in all of 08/96-09/11), he was always my secret favorite. People always said we looked alike (even though I didn't personally see it) and we even have a similar birthmark in the same spot. As a little kid, I used to choose him to fight my petty child arguments with neighborhood kids. We both shared a dry sense of humor and were constantly annoyed by Stephen's laziness and lack of cleanliness. I loved him greatly. Sometimes, you'd think that if you love a person enough, they'd love themselves just as much. And it wasn't the case. I think he turned to drugs because he was depressed with his life. Its not that I condone what he did ( and is still doing) but I understand. He became mean and hateful towards me slowly but surely over time. Looking back, I'm not that surprised. I'm a Straight A student, top of my class, and there's no doubt that I'll be going far. When there's more than one sibling, there's always some form of sibling rivalry, some better than others. My brothers were always jealous of  me, mostly because I was the only girl (which meant I would get different gift and always have my own room) and was very good at school. I hate to sound cocky but I understand why. They were jealous and I accept that, simply because I put myself and their shoes. And when I did, I realized that I wouldn't have acted in no way different. I'm no psychologist but I think jealousy is a part of human nature. With success comes jealousy. Its a fact of life.
Stephen- I'm closest in age with him. He's only three years older than me. When we were younger, we used to fight like hell (like brother and sister). We're total opposites. He's skinny, I'm fat. He's street smart, I'm book smart. He's popular, I'm quiet. Teachers know him for his bad behavior, they know me for my good behavior. Due the past couple of months, he's changed considerably. He has a job and cares deeply about it. Theres more but in a way I'm extremely proud of him. I hope he graduates next year. I think he deserves it.
     They are my brothers and I love each and every one of them. I hope Fred gets better but heaven forbid that he doesn't, I will forever love him as one of my big brothers.
Grace-  Grace, as you may know, is my  year old sister. She means everything to me. I knew that I wanted to become a pediatrician but I didn't know I could sub-specialize to help little preemie angels like Grace grow and thrive. Though she's extremely aggressive and can e a lot to handle sometimes, I love her dearly and wouldn't know what I'd be doing for the rest of my life without her.

I just want to be beautiful

So summer is here. I think. Personally, summer doesn't feel that different from the other seasons. So a couple of days ago, I made an Instagram. Not to do much, just take photos and look at other people's photos. Most of the time, I see pictures that are really nice. Other times, I get jealous. I was always chubby when I was younger. Unlike most people, I haven't lost the fat. I hate seeing girls who used to be fat like me get so skinny so quickly. I hate the fact that most girls can wear bikinis and short shorts and not think anything of it, and I cant. I even get pissed when I see girls that I know are fatter than me wearing itty-bitty swim suits. Its what I call "an ugly bitch with a pretty bitch's self esteem" (excuse my french) I wish my self esteem was higher. But the truth is, you can have all of the brains in the world but if you aren't the least bit "pretty", you aren't going anywhere.
So you're thinking "What are you going to do about it?" In all honesty, I really don't know. I've tried "dieting " but it never lasts. I guess I'll try it one last time.

Tears No More

© Jessica Cutts

I told you how I felt
but you turned the other cheek
I was basically rejected
I feel so small, so very weak

I found the reason why I always keep to myself
I hate this feeling of pain
Of being rejected like I'm not good enough
This will happen never again

I'm tired of letting people in
I'm tired of being alone
I'm tired of being rejected and hurt
This is it that feelings gone

I'm not gonna let you in
I'm not gonna let you see my tears fall
I'm not gonna let you see me hurt
I'm not gonna let you bring me down most of all

I told you how I felt
Because I wanted you to know
But apparently you would never feel the same
So I guess its time for me to go

Source: Tears No More, Teen Heartbreak Poem http://www.bestteenpoems.com/poem/tears-no-more#ixzz1xbGDRZP6
Best Teen Poems

 

 

     Lately, I have discovered a love for reading and writing poetry. I came across this one on a website and I immediately fell in love with it. It reminds me of what happened on D-Day.

Breakaway

     What's one of your favorite song? No, not a song you've heard many times and know the lyrics to. I mean, a song that you feel so strongly about you can talk about it for hours. There are probably five songs that make me feel this way. One of them being "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson.
      After High School, I don't want to stay in my town. I want to move. Most likely, out of state. At one point in my life, I dream of living in White Plains, New York. This, of course, means I will eventually have to breakaway from my family and friends. Its something I've been thinking about for years.
     Wanted to belong here/But something felt so wrong here-When I picture my dream life, my hometown isn't part of it. As much as it sounds nice for my children (feels crazy thinking about that) to be raised in the same area as me, its just not possible. I think I've had one too many bad memories in this town. I feel like if I stay here, I'm settling for less. Even the hospital here doesn't look like one I would like to work in one day as a doctor. I feel as if, there's something bigger waiting for me.
     I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly/ I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky- As mentioned before, I really want to become a doctor. It's always been my dream. And yes, I'd do anything to reach it. Even if that means leaving those I love behind. Part of me is excited for graduation because it means I'm one step closer to becoming a doctor. Another part is scared because it means splitting up with my friends and leaving home and entering the world alone. To think its only two years away makes me anxious.
     I guess life is about breaking away. Even though I'm kind of scared. I know what it brings me to my dreams and in the end, that's all that matters.

Marble Hornets and Hopes for Summer

     This past Saturday, I, along with Kaitlin, went to Stan's birthday party. Long story short, someone thought it was a bright idea to watch these videos on YouTube called "Marble Hornets." The videos are about this kid named J (or Jay) who has these tapes of this kid named Alex who disappeared after being stressed out from filming a student movie. All of the videos show a bizarre figure (Slender Man) appearing everywhere Alex goes and he becomes paranoid. The deeper into the series (I got up to Entry #28), the more bizarre it gets. Personally, I don't think its real. Its way too freaky to be real. J keeps saying that he wants to quit yet he keeps going back to the abandoned house where Slender Man attacked him before. Towards the end, Stan even thought it was a good idea to sneak up behind me dressed as Slender Man, which scared the living daylights out of me. I really want to finish up those entries. (there's like 20 more) Apparently, its ongoing so they keep uploading more videos. Stan advised me not to watch them by myself, but its summer and I don't have anyone to watch them with. I had a great time at the party. That and the picnic the day before were some of the rare occurrences of "fun" in my life. This summer feels different. I don't know what but think it will be a nice change.I hope it will be.

I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of ... gunpowder and lead!

     I love my mom. She's the greatest. She may not come off as that strong, but she is. If you know me, you know that I rarely mention my father, if at all. It sounds stupid, but I don't consider him to be my father. No, I don't believe I was created by Immaculate Conception. I have a biological father. Emotionally, no. A REAL father is there for his kids and loves them and treats their mother with respect. My father did none of these. He abused my mother. I always knew there was bad blood between my mother and father. Whenever I mentioned him, she'd always get pissed and I wouldn't know why. Do I know what he did specifically did to her, no. But something happened. Maybe it was the needle that broke the camel's back. Something bad enough that made a woman like my mother pick up her things, grab her 3 boys and a newly born me and move across the country. My mom couldn't bring anything with her. All of my baby photos and even mine and my brother's birth certificates were left at the house.  I hate to think what it's like to be with an abusive man. It scared me to death. Knowing your worst enemy and best friend is the same person. Having to sleep next to them and constantly be in each others presence. I used to get scared and think what it would be like having an abusive parent. Living in a state where fear is your best friend.
     This song makes me think what I would do if I were in a bad relationship. I see why abused wives kill their husbands. They become sick of it and think there's no way out. My mom always told me, any girl who wants to be equal with men has no ambitions. Mr Steinbeck re-iterated that for me this past year. I don't need a man to be happy and successful. Yes, I do believe that women are better than men. I guess that is why females live longer than men and we are giving the laborious task of carrying children. If we let men do that, there would be no human race.

I'm glad you came too

    This song is my guilty pleasure. Even though I don't usually like any boy band (more like group) other than *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, I kinda like The Wanted. The lyrics are kinda stupid (every time he says "My universe will never be the same" I always think he's saying "My uni-brow will never be the same") and it sounds like every other song on the radio, but these guys are pretty damn hot! And they have accents!

Justin Bieber wants to be my boyfriend? I think I'll pass!

Wow! Puberty has hit Justin Bieber. When I first heard this, I was surprised that it was him. Nevertheless, its still Justin Bieber and I still hate the song. What the hell does "Swag Swag on you" mean? If its anything like what I'm thinking, I would deem this song inappropriate for children. Who would want to eat fondue next to a fire? So he wants me to burn my tongue and then my hand? Ummmm... I don't think so! Next!

Call Me Maybe-Not!!!

I loathe this song, so I'm gonna blog about it. I saw the video for it and I was repulsed by most of it. Who the hell enjoys that crap?
I couldn't help but notice:

• How old is this b***h? She sounds like shes my age but can pass for 30.
• There is no way a band is really playing. I hear no guitars! Just Autotune and a synthesizer.
• Who washes their car in high heels? 
• I can notice a hot guy from the next but dear Lord, its not worth fainting.
• The girl's face at the end was priceless. 

Hot Problems?

 This made me laugh...bad singing and horrible lyrics.... I can think of about 20 girls who would agree with the lyrics.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale

     It happened. It too no less than 1 minute and it was enough to bring my entire day down. I told him and he smiled and said that I'm a sweet girl. But all I really want to do right now is cry. And it sucks because I don't even know why. I wasn't expecting him to tell me that he liked me back. But I sure as hell didn't expect that. I know I should be happy, but I'm not. Its like being stuck on an island and when a helicopter lets it ladder down and the second you reach for it, the rope's pulled away. I knew this was a bad idea and I still went for it. Even though I wanted to seal my own fate, I'm still disappointed. What's worse is that I have to see him one last time. It's going to be very awkward. I'm so happy that I have an awards ceremony.
     In a way, I'm glad I'll never see him again. I'm glad, I'll never know who he told and what his true reaction was. I mean,he could have been smiling on the outside and shuddering on the inside for all I know. I guess the saying "Out of sight, out of mind." is true. Hopefully, I 'll never see him and forget about his existence in the first place.
     When it first happened, I was like "Wow, Sara, you did it!" After a couple of minutes, then it sunk in- I was just flat out rejected. Not that I have never faced rejection before. It was just different this time. It sounded nice and sweet but with though I was able to remember that rejection is rejection, whether its blunt and crass or poetic and sugar-coated. I'm so sick of being rejected by people. I hate being so goddamned vulnerable. I know its bad, but what if things were different. What if I were pretty? What if I were popular? What if I thin? Things would have gone extremely different. I might have gotten his number, or at least a hug. I like to try to think where "being me" has gotten me. Good grades and nice friends. That's it. I'm not trying to be ungrateful (I value both of these things), but that's not getting me anywhere. I've heard of a bunch of guys that have graduated at the top of their classes and had friends but still amount to nothing. I want more. I don't want to be vulnerable. As mean as this sounds, I'd rather be the rejector than the rejected. I want to put myself in the position of never being hurt again. I want to change.

D-Day

     Well, tomorrow's D-Day. The day I tell AJ how I feel. God, I'm scared. This can one of two ways:
1) I tell him how I feel and he makes an awkward face and says "Oh, sorry... I don't feel the same about you" (99.99999% likely)
2) I tell him how I feel and he says "Oh, great! I do too!" (Not that I really believe this is going to happen) (0.000001% likely)
But today I was thinking...... Maybe instead of saying that I like him, I should just say that even though I didn't get to know him, we would have made really good friends because we generally have the same interests. Which is true. You never know, maybe we can become friends (1% likely) . Or maybe he'll just forget about me (99% likely). The only problem with this is that he doesn't know that I like him. Or maybe I'll do a mix of both. I can tell him that I like him and include that I know he doesn't feel the same way too, but then quickly add that it's only because he reminds me of an old friend. (I mean, that's loosely true, but I don't lay it on too thick.) I'm kinda scared to do it. Because of his finals, I have to do it a day early. Which means that I will have to face him the next day. Which will be awkward. But only for a half hour, which I will try to spend out of class.What really scares me is if he goes around telling all of his friends what I did. Mick made a good point at lunch: "He hangs out with dicks but he isn't one." I hope he's right. Wish me luck. I'll need it.


PS. I promise to blog about it after it happens, good or bad.

Unhelpful Highschool Teacher Memes.

My pre-Calc teacher



Pisses me of every time.





Coach Loompa

                                         


I think I've heard my AP World History say this numerous times.



Talkin' bout my generation.

     Every time I hear those word, I think of Bob Saget singing that on Full House many years ago. (random but so true)
     I hate my generation. I hate the people (for the most part), the movies, and especially the music.  I am a part of the supposed "Generation Y" before Z, but after X. The biggest problem I have with people are their mindsets. I loathe the fact that everyone in my generation (myself included once in a blue moon) feels as if they are entitled to something. I hate hearing things like "I'm 16, I need a car." Maybe its jealousy because my family doesn't have $15,000 to kill on an ungrateful spoiled brat. When a relative dies, nowadays, no one says "I miss grandpa.", instead we're more likely to hear "Who'd he leave the money to?" That pisses me off. One, because I don't have a rich grandpa and two, because when people my age think of death, they think of it like some god damned paycheck. Being so-and-so's relative doesn't make you entitled to a paycheck. Another problem I have with my generation is their sense of invincibility. People my age think they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, and nothing is ever going to happen to them. In school, I always hear stupid kids bragging "Dude, I drank like four beers and I drove perfectly!" Sometimes, I want to say "Is that what you're gonna say to the family of the person you killed?" The guy was going on like he should get an AWARD for driving drunk (there goes that entitlement again) and about how much he loved the saying YOLO, another atrocity to my generation.
     In all honesty, I don't like most of the movies that "my generation" has put out. I feel as if there are no original movies anymore. Screenwriters no longer "think" of story lines. This year, a vast majority of movies that have come out have either been prequels, sequels, or remakes of previous films. Even though I'm not a fan of the former, Harry Potter and The Hunger Games were the only original films I can think of.
     I love music, don't get me wrong, but I really don't like my generation's music. Like in the movie industry, everyone lacks creativity. For instance, a couple of years ago, no one had a clue who the hell David Guetta was. Then one loser started listening to him music and now basically all of the music on Y100 (a radio station in my area) sounds like a David Guetta song. All of the singers sound the same too. The biggest atrocity to hit the music industry is Nicki Minaj. I hate her with a passion. As a fellow African American female, I can't help but feel ashamed of her. She puts all of us to shame. Correct me if I'm wrong (which I'm not). Her lyrics are stupid, those accents are annoying and distracts a person of average IQ from changing the station, and most importantly, she exemplifies every negative black girl stereotype (ghetto clothes, changing weaves constantly, and having a bitchy attitude).
     Don't get me wrong there are good people in my generation (like me and my friends) but unfortunately, we are over shadowed by everyone else.
    And that my friends, are the reasons why my generation is on a bullet train to hell.

PE

      I have a love/hate relationship with PE. Sometimes I love it, just for the sake of being stuck in a room with AJ. Watching him do countless power cleans, bend over rows, and burpees.  I hate it mostly because of my coach and this creeper. Lets start with coach. I used to think he was okay, but now, I outright hate him. In all seriousness, he's a douche. He's like one of those bullies in high school that still haven't grown up. He instigates fights, talks to me like I'm mentally handicapped, and does absolutely NOTHING. He picks on these kids, Lips and Head, in my class. Even though both of these guys are mean to me and kind of deserve it, when the Coach is doing it, I know its inappropriate.  Both the real source of my hate is the creeper. We'll call him Example. Example is this substitute/coach at my school. He became a sub after being caught watching porn on a school TV as a teacher. I know that Douches become friends with other Douches. So needless to say, Example and Coach Loompa (first name Oompa) are good friends. And Coach lets Example walk into my class and do absolutely nothing. Which he does... Except when I'm in there. Everyday this week, Example has come into my class to stare and look at everyone...especially me. As a matter of fact, I'm the ONLY one he speaks to. Yesterday, I was next to the filing cabinet and cornered me to ask me if I worked out that day. If you know me, you know I don't work out, especially in that class. Even Stan, Jaime, and the Peanut Gallery think that he's after me. After months of feeling uncomfortable about this, I decided to go to my principal. I have to say, he's a nice guy. I told him about creeper and about Coach. I threw Coach under the but, but I don't give a crap.  He even said that Coach was on thin ice after his convo with one of my friends in another class. I hope both of their asses are fired. I always have shitty PE coaches. They're either sexist, bitchy, or Coach Loompa. I hate them all. How had is it to find a nice, encouraging PE teacher?

Chasing Pavements

    Chasing Pavements- Adele
I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love
But, if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

 Things are really weird right now. I like AJ a lot but I don't like him at the same time. In short, he's not the guy I'd thought he's be. I used to think he was really sweet and caring but now, he's been a real jerk to some people. One day he's all sweet and I'm comfortable talking to him, and the next, he comes in with cornrows looking like he just got out of a hostage seige in the ghetto. What am I supposed to do on D-Day (the day I tell him that I like him)? When I first thought of the plan, it was fool proof because I thought he was a nice guy and he wouldn't be mean about it and make fun of me. But now, I'm scared. I'd rather him say "Sorry. I don't feel that way with you." than say nothing. Silence always kills me. 
     When I first realized that I liked him, I thought to myself "Sara, you know this isn't a good idea.It was like 7th grade all over again. It was this kid named Bryan. He was in 8th grade and I was in 7th... Never spoke a word to him yet I was head over heels obsessed with him. It was so bad that I had asked Kaitlin to print out his yearbook picture and I carried it wherever I went. Back to AJ. I hope I end up saying something to him. Part of me is kicking myself for liking him in the first place. It's really like I'm chasing pavements-a road that goes nowhere. Another part of me is saying, "Well, your life's going down one too...What have you got to lose?"
     Liking him has made me learn so much more about myself. In other words, I can be a jealous bitch. There's this tramp (not DT) in our Pre-Calc class and she's always throwing herself at him. I'm not saying I hate her, but lets just say if she were hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus. (can't remember where I got that) But anyways, he takes the bait everytime. The way he smiles at her, asks her for help (mind you she's failing), and wraps his arm around her ignites a fire in the area that's supposed to be my heart. I can't help but think "That should be me."
    Its not like I didn't know I was gonna end up going down this road, but I wish it were a bit easier.

She said some days I feel like shit, some days I want to quit, and just be normal for a bit.

     I don't understand why my life needs to be so hard. Every time I feel like saying "I can get used to this. Everything will be OK," some thing bad happens. After the last time I saw Fred at my grandmother's house, I stopped going there every morning to wait for my mom to pick me up for school.  Since my aunt leaves for work at 5, I stay home alone waiting for my mom to come. That worked out perfectly until this morning. At about 12:08, I heard a heavy knock at the door. At first I thought it was my aunt, but then I realized the time and that she was not due to leave for another four hours. The only person it could have been was Fred. So he was knocking. Hard. Not to wake us up, more like, beat the door down. So we immediately went to the back bedroom and called 911. I couldn't stop shaking. I kept thinking, what if he breaks a window and comes in and kills us? I thought of my friends, family and AJ. By the time the police came, he was gone. He overturned a sand pot in front of the door and has enough anger to throw sand at some of the neighbors cars. I can't stop worrying. What if I was home alone when this happened? My phone wasn't working that morning. What if I couldn't call the police? Anyways, my aunt and I went to my other aunt's house, which was down the street. I later found out that Fred went to her house first and subsequently slashed one of the tires of her new BMW.
    This isn't the only thing that's caused me to worry about Fred more. I learned about a week ago that one of my great-aunts (grandmother's sister) is schizophrenic. So the next day, I decided to research information on the mental disorder. When I looked at the symptoms, I noticed that Fred had exhibited a lot of them. Disheveled appearance, auditory hallucinations, the fact that 50 percent of schizophrenics use drugs, the fact that its onset is usually late teens early twenties in men (Fred's age),and paranoia. What if Fred's schizophrenic???? No diagnosis could take away the fact that he is my brother and I love him dearly. But this changes everything. Schizophrenia is a chronic and debilitating disorder. If it turns out to be this, I may never have the old Fred back. I miss him so much .
     Why does life always have to be so hard? I'm not asking for absolute perfection but why can't god let me enjoy my teen years like everyone else. I say it to my friends a lot but its really true: I was under the impression that my teen years would be the best years of my life....they're actually turning out to be the worst. Why can't I just live a normal life with my mom and my siblings, why must everything be so hard. I spoke to my guidance counselor about it and he said not to let it affect my school work. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about what is going to go wrong. I just want my family and everyone I know to be happy, healthy, and safe. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so.