I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough.

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough? Lately, I feel like I'm always letting someone down. Mostly, just myself but now I feel like I'm doing it to everyone. Now, I am not even a good enough friend. Maybe the fact that my life isnt where I thought it would be makes me untrustworthy. I used to think I was but now...I guess I'm not. Maybe I' m not even a good enough person. Maybe I have a flaw that cannot be assuaged or helped. I wish people could be straightforward enough to just say what's wrong and not let things stay hidden. Not like I'd do anything differently. I guess it takes a lot to say something. I know I'm making a moutain out of a mole hill but I just can't help it. Why can't I be good enough??? I think I'm perfectly fine with not being good enough for people that don't have my best interests at heart. But not being good enough for the people I love and care about? No, I can't take that.

Where'd you go, I miss you so, seems like it's been forever since you've been gone...please come back home ♥

     So I told you that Fred's back. Well, this weekend, I saw him. No, I shouldn't tel you that. It wasn't him. It was this guy who looks like him, talks like him, smells like him, but was NOT him. I feel like he's two people...one on drugs, the other one sober. The Fred I know is sober. When I saw him, there was this bolt of energy that came with me seeing him. A growing beard, crazy eyes, and disheveled hair. That feeling later became numbness. I wish I could tell you, but I just can't. Every time I think about it, all I want to do is ball up and cry. A million people can tell me everythings gonna be okay. But its a lie. I mentioned it to Kaitlin earlier and I wanted some kind of logical reassurance that everything was fine. But in the end, I ended up saying that I just wanted her to listen and if she didn't want to respond, that was okay. Well, to be honest. It wasn't. I don't think I'm upset because everyone has problems and I guess sometimes, nobody really cares and talking to someone about your problems and never asking about theirs can really bring someone down. (sorry Kaitlin) I feel like this is all my fault.  I really wish Fred would get better. I want the old him to return. I want things to get better. I want to see my mother smile again. I try my best to smile a lot but its really hard when you are fighting tears at the same time. I see my friends, who are going through shit that is probably a million times worse than mine and they can put smiles on their faces and be happy so well.In all honesty, I feel like my life is moving around me going at the speed of light and I'm just standing there, confused. I guess I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop, which I believe is going to happen soon.

My dream life in pictures

     Okay so a couple of days ago, Giselle challenged me to post pictures that represent my dream life. The reason I waited a couple of days to do it was because (in all honesty), I really don't know what I want. You see, I have a problem...I'm extremely indecisive. I mean ya, I want money and a husband, and a jobbut I really don't know anything other than that. But I'm going to try to put down at least 10 pictures that represent my dream life.

In my dream (hopefully later reality) life, I want to be a neonatologist. (Don't know what it is? Look it up, I have no patience for you.)

Money. Lots of it. Never having to worry about a bill would be amazing.



Family. I want a family that is together and everyone is healthy and happy and safe.

                                                                                                                               


Friends. New ones don't hurt. I would just love to keep the old ones too.



I big house. Growing up in the ghetto, I always hoped to live in a split family home like this one. More importantly, this home is in White Plains, NY, the place I want to move to when I'm older.



Equality. I know its corny, but I would love to see that in my lifetime. No matter who you are, black, white, hispanic,asian, gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, questioning, etc, you should have the right to be who you are and not be judged.

I guess I'm on a Flyleaf rampage right now...thanks Giselle

I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing

Feel you here forever, You and me together, Nothing is better

                        
                        
                        
                        
                        
                        

Happiness hit her like a train on a track

     Hey there! It feels like its been a while since I last posted...I mean, I've checked my blog a couple of times during my hiatus, but I haven't really wrote anything.  For the most part, everything has remained stagnant- AJ and I keep making awkward eye contact and my body image is still pretty negative. Not hopeless,  just  really negative. Since I didn't do the fast over break, I gained a shitload of weight. A week ago, my stomach was flat. Now, there's a pouch. It may seem like no big deal for most, but to me, this is equivalent to the sky falling.I worked so hard to get rid of it and now its back. Even though I said that nothings changed, Things have. Most importantly, Fred's back. When I first heard this, I just went completely numb. Not happy, not sad. Its like when he was gone, I was actually OK with it. That meant I could go back to my old neighborhood. Things were almost like they were before. Now that he's back though, I feel like I'm on edge. "What if I see him?" "What will he say?" These thoughts fun through my mind constantly. On a happier note, I spoke to BR today. For the millionth time. Most of the time, its just a few word convo on coach and each time, I give this weird giggle and he smiles back. Enough energy to send me flying to the moon. In addition to that, AJ took his shirt off afterwards! And I saw! I glanced a couple of times (and fought off the urge to stare with my mouth gaping open). It's not a six pack but not flat either. In one word, PERFECTION! If I were pretty, I would of stared. I've learned that staring is something pretty girls can do and ugly girls can't. Speaking of pretty girls, I can officially say with confidence that DT is the biggest slut in her grade. She screwed around with this other girls BF, told people about it, and then lie to the girl's face. CAN YOU SAY SKANK? I am so happy! I hate her with a passion. Maybe the rain's letting up. Maybe the odds are truly in my favor.

                                  

You step inside my heart and I am amazed!

                               

   

"Just fell down a flight of stairs....one of my arms is broken and my knee is bleeding...But it's OK...YOLO!"

The motto "YOLO" has been speading through my school like some infectious STD. If you've been living under a rock, it means "You Only Live Once." Don't get me wong, I love Drake and I think its a cute message, but I think people are starting to twist it into different meanings. The title is prime example of what people make YOLO mean- an excuse to do something stupid. I can't tell you how many times I've seen someone post "I'm gonna go smoke a blunt...YOLO" or "Even though I'm hammered, I'm gonna try to drive home...YOLO" on Twitter. If I had a penny for everytime someone used the word YOLO as an excuse to do something dumb, I'd have enough money to pay all of my mother's debt, pay for my college, and buy an entire  African village in Ipads.

Everyone knows that they've thought this:

He he he ;)

If I could find you now, things would get better. We could leave this town and run forever.

                          
    Every one has hopes. Every one has dreams. Every one has a reality. Unfortunately, the reality, our hopes, and our dreams can be very different. I consider myself a dreamer. I have faith in people who don't deserve it. I treat people as nicely as I can even when they don't. You would hope that my karma was well enough that I would be truly happy. But, I'm not. Earlier this week, Kaitlin and Giselle were concerned about me doing a fast for a week to lose weight. One thing led to another and at the end of the day, they persuaded me to not do it. They may be thinking to themselves "Good, we fixed the problem." But they're wrong. Me not doing the fast doesn't change how I feel at all. Now, I think I'm more hopeless than I was before. I want to be thin so badly. But I love my friends. And I wouldn't want to make them upset.
     Lately, so many things have been changing. I don't have a place to call my "home" and quite honestly I think my family is falling apart at its seams. I wish I could go back in time. A time when my mom had money, my brothers and sister were all healthy and happy, and my grandmother was not sick. But its not like that anymore. My brothers are scattered everywhere and my grandmother isn't who she used to be. Whenever I used to get upset, My older brother, Fred, would come into my room, talk to me and give me a big hug. Now that he's gone, I feel like I have nothing. My oldest brother lives a good 200 miles away and the youngest one I rarely see. The only sibling I constantly see is my little sister, who is only 1. Being away from Fred has been the worst. As a child, I looked up to him. And now, he's changed. Sometimes I like to think that he's at home and I'll see him soon. But I won't . I was listening to Yellowcard a couple of days ago and one of the lyrics kinda hit me: " When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by, I can make believe that your here tonight."
     Dreaming gets everyone by. I like to think that dreaming helps us cope with our realities, whatever that may be for each of us. Dreaming keeps our hopes alive as well, giving them motivation to become our realities. In the end, I'm glad that I'm a dreamer.

I wanna see you workout for me.

     Today was OK. I think Kaitlin's worried about my fast. I really don't know why she has any reason to be. I kinda feel bad 'cause when she told me, I kind of gave her a bitchy "I'll be fine." And I will be. I just want to lose enough weight so that everything fits....especially the shorts. Tomorrow night, Demi Lovato's documentary Stay Strong premieres on MTV, here in the US. I really want to see it. I really don't know why. I'm just fascinated by things like eating disorders. To be honest, I think its because I feel the same way about my body. I don't feel so alone. Knowing that there are other people out there that feel hopless about their weight is sorta comforting.
     Wow, I 'm kinda suprised you're still reading this.....I sound so depressed. I'm not. On the lighter side, toay we had to push a car in PE. BR wasn't there...unfortunately. AJ was and he did it in the fastest time: 2 minutes and 18 seconds. The entire time he was doing it, all I could think of was along the lines of "GOD DAMN!" LOOK AT HIM GO!!!!! Believe me, he is extremely easy on the eyes....except I think he has a big ass.......(yes I look there) Every hot guy usually has a nice behind...except him...but remember, every guy has one imperfection.

P.S. I should change my mental disorder from depressed to bipolar disorder judging by the content of this post.

I heart ?

Over the years, I have really calmed down with liking guys. In middle school, I would like 5 guys at the same time...now, its just one...or two. So there's this other guy in my PE class. We'll call him BR. He's a little bit of a dick but at heart, I bet he's really sweet. The best part about it is that I can talk to him. He's still a senior, but I can talk to him and he talks to me. But now I'm conflicted. What about AJ?(He was too busy cozying up with DT on the mats on the floor!)(Stupid slut!) If you haven't been keeping up, he's the one that took a month to utter a word to me. Keep in mind, I have no chance with either one of these guys. Don't you hate it when you equally like two guys at the same time? Well, I do.  
            Yesterday, I told Kaitlin about fasting over spring break. She didn't seem to have much faith in me. But I'm gonna do it. This time, I have inspiration....more like THINSPIRATION. My mom gave me my old pair of shorts from like two years ago and now they don't fit. My goal is by summer, I'm gonna fit into them. To motivate me, I'm gonna leave them on my bed. Or maybe I'll carry them around to remind myself of my goal before I go digging around in the fridge.I want to look back 10 years from now as my "fat years."

Story of my life 2

                             

I want to think of my life life this picture......the road always leads to somewhere.



This one is for Kaitlin, Giselle, and Jennifer...i love you guys



I love Victoria's Secret. If you gave me 1,000,000 dollars, 900,000 of it would go here....the rest would be split evenly amongst Hollister, Aeropastle, and Forever 21.



Cats are gross.....except these.....they're cute as buttons.

To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

I'm more in love with this picture than I am with you know who........I just noticed that I never gave him an alias....we'll call him AJ. But back to this.....FEAR IS A LIE. I just realized that in life, there really isn't anything to fear. Like JFK once notably said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." The title isn't a quote from a song...its actually part of an introduction to Fearless, by Taylor Swift. Fear is a lie that most people buy into.....you cant just stop your life and what is important to you because you are scared. In order to be fearless, you need to live in spite of these things.