So Fred's birthday is this Saturday. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And it's finally hit me that its been a year since he's been gone. It all feels so unreal. Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving of my life that will not end with the entire family singing him Happy Birthday and eating cake. I won't run out of my room on Saturday morning to wish my big brother a happy birthday. I won't be able to complain about the fact that Fred is the only person that ever eats the stuffing in my family and that there is no use in making it. This last year has been tough. I feel as if most people don't sympathize with my loss of my brother. They either don't repsond, act aloof, or say naive things that insinuate that I deserve to be terrorized. Then I remind myself that the relationship I had with Fred is one-in-a-million. In a way, no one (except one person maybe) relates to my bond with my brother. We almost like twins, we look alike (so they say), have the same liverspots on our hands, same birthmark underneath our right bicep, and we both constantly clash with Stephen. Its weird because everyone talks about their "best friend" and saying "(blank) is like family to me." Well, all of my best friends are family. My own flesh and blood. My favorite memory of Fred was when I about six. We were at our grandmother's house and we would go outside and catch lizards. I never caught anything but I enjoyed going because he made me feel important and we would always talk. We didn't discuss quantum physics or the meaning of life but I enjoyed hearing about "big-kid stuff" like homework and races and music with cursing. As ridiculous as it sounds, I remember asking Fred who he plans on marrying. He probably didn't know about incest or the law yet either because he said "If I can't find someone, I'll pick you." Another one of my favorite memories is when we went to Epcot together a couple of years ago. We waited in line for Soarin for about 3 hours, and once I got on the ride, I chickened out because I'm scared of heights. He talked me back in to going on the ride but I was still terrified. I vividly remember him clenching my hand (because he was scared of heights as well) the entire ride and somehow, I felt better. Its weird to think of him today. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder what went through his mind on my birthday. What's going through his mind now that its the day before Thanksgiving and no one has seen him for months. He probably thinks that my family's forgotten him. I wish I could write him a letter reminding him of the unconditional love my family has for him. That even though he hurt all of us, that we all have the strength and courage to forgive. That he will forever be my big brother and hold a special place in my heart.
I wonder what will happen in this next year. I pray that Fred has a happy, healthy and safe birthday and many more to come. I pray that I will be reunited with my brother. And most importantly, I pray that he will conquer the demons that have possessed him for this past year. I have faith in God that things will get better and I know that with time, faith and prayer, God will answer. If there is a will, there is a way.
