She said some days I feel like shit, some days I want to quit, and just be normal for a bit.

     I don't understand why my life needs to be so hard. Every time I feel like saying "I can get used to this. Everything will be OK," some thing bad happens. After the last time I saw Fred at my grandmother's house, I stopped going there every morning to wait for my mom to pick me up for school.  Since my aunt leaves for work at 5, I stay home alone waiting for my mom to come. That worked out perfectly until this morning. At about 12:08, I heard a heavy knock at the door. At first I thought it was my aunt, but then I realized the time and that she was not due to leave for another four hours. The only person it could have been was Fred. So he was knocking. Hard. Not to wake us up, more like, beat the door down. So we immediately went to the back bedroom and called 911. I couldn't stop shaking. I kept thinking, what if he breaks a window and comes in and kills us? I thought of my friends, family and AJ. By the time the police came, he was gone. He overturned a sand pot in front of the door and has enough anger to throw sand at some of the neighbors cars. I can't stop worrying. What if I was home alone when this happened? My phone wasn't working that morning. What if I couldn't call the police? Anyways, my aunt and I went to my other aunt's house, which was down the street. I later found out that Fred went to her house first and subsequently slashed one of the tires of her new BMW.
    This isn't the only thing that's caused me to worry about Fred more. I learned about a week ago that one of my great-aunts (grandmother's sister) is schizophrenic. So the next day, I decided to research information on the mental disorder. When I looked at the symptoms, I noticed that Fred had exhibited a lot of them. Disheveled appearance, auditory hallucinations, the fact that 50 percent of schizophrenics use drugs, the fact that its onset is usually late teens early twenties in men (Fred's age),and paranoia. What if Fred's schizophrenic???? No diagnosis could take away the fact that he is my brother and I love him dearly. But this changes everything. Schizophrenia is a chronic and debilitating disorder. If it turns out to be this, I may never have the old Fred back. I miss him so much .
     Why does life always have to be so hard? I'm not asking for absolute perfection but why can't god let me enjoy my teen years like everyone else. I say it to my friends a lot but its really true: I was under the impression that my teen years would be the best years of my life....they're actually turning out to be the worst. Why can't I just live a normal life with my mom and my siblings, why must everything be so hard. I spoke to my guidance counselor about it and he said not to let it affect my school work. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about what is going to go wrong. I just want my family and everyone I know to be happy, healthy, and safe. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so.

God, you there?!?! It's me Sara. It wouldn't kill you to answer my prayers now and then.

     I hate hospitals. Currently, I'm standing outside my grandmother's room, disgusted. Even though I want to be a doctor, I can't stand vomit- no, its the SOUND that kills me. One thought keeps coming to my mind... Why do I always come back here? For the past year, I've been praying relentlessly that my grandma get better. Why hasn't God answered my prayers?!?!? I'm really beginning to question where God is. To whoever is reading this, feel free to answer me. I used to have 100 percent faith in God and in my religion. I thought that in the end, things get better, not worse. In the past two years, I have lost a lot of my faith in God and in people. I don't say that I've lost it all because most of my family (especially Grace)  is healthy, I've got good grades, and I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. But having those things don't equate to happiness.
     Seeing my grandmother in the hospital was awful. While my grandmother's caretaker was leading a prayer (ironic,eh?) my mom and I both broke out in tears. My mom was her first born and has been with her the longest. I lived with my grandmother all my life until three years ago, when she had a major stroke. Her home was the only home I've ever known. I kept asking myself "Where's God?" The absolute worst of the entire visit was when my grandmother said for herself "I'm done. I'm finished." God, are you aware of how desperate a person has to be to say that? My grandmother isn't old, she's only 63. She worked hard her entire life, started a new life in a new country, and eventually earned the American dream. And this is what you do? Strike her down?!?! I get so angry thinking about it. You let fools run around stealing money and raping children but you hurt the innocent ones? What kind of "God" are you? I get so disgusted and angry thinking about it. God's supposed to be my father, know my name, know my wants and needs. I used to find comfort in believing that, but now, I just don't know what to think.
    I don't know what to call myself now. I'm not atheist, as I still pray every night hoping "God" might answer. Maybe I'm agnostic. All I know for sure is that I'm not Christian anymore. The idea of Jesus and having a true "God" that cares for you is a nice thought, but I LOATHE the church. I don't want to stand by a church that says the most hypocritical bullshit in the world. They say "We're all God's children" but at the same time, they say you're going to hell if you are anything but straight. I bet 50 years ago, the same people were saying that if you date a black person, you're going to hell too. If you're anything that's not in the bible, they have a generic answer for you: You're going to hell. They say "We need to stop the spread of HIV/AIDS and other STDs" but at the same time, they think its a sin to use condoms. 
     I want my grandmother to get better more than a lot of things. Maybe if she did, I'd regain my faith. But by the way it looks now, I don't think so.

It's worth all that's lost...just to see you smile♥

     I think I have found my special someone. She's 2 feet tall, has six teeth, and is responsible for at least a dozen scratches and scrapes on my body. That person is my little sister. I don't think I've ever loved anybody as much as her. Yes, she's abusive and has a bad attitude sometimes but I wouldn't want to take back any of the precious time that I have spent with her. This is gonna be kinda long, so bear with me. I was 13 and in the seventh grade when I found out that my mom was pregnant. At first, my (and Kaitlin's) first thought was: People that age still do that? But after I got over the shock, another question came to my mind: What is it? Boy or Girl? Well, let's just say that when I found out, I cried like a baby. Not because I was happy, I cried because I was being de-throned. When you spend 13 years of your life getting everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) you wanted because you're the youngest and the only girl, what would you do in a situation like this?!?! But anyways, Grace was born on June 14th, 2010 weighing only 2 lbs, 2 oz. Yes, she was a preemie. She was born at 28 weeks gestation (full term gestation is considered 40 weeks). She spent the first two months of her life in the N.I.C.U. (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). Everyday during the summer between eighth grade and freshman year, my mom and I drove 20 miles to the general hospital just to see my little sister. That's also when I decided that I wanted to become a neonatologist. I always wanted to become a doctor, but I was never sure what. After that experience of being in the NICU, I realized that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. God, I can't see myself anywhere else. The strongest little creatures (cause the definitely look like it) I have ever seen were in the NICU. And I'm proud to say my little sister is one of them. When my mom was pregnant with Grace in the hospital, I was told not to keep my hopes up and she might not survive. Every day I spend with her is a blessing, whether or not I'm  playing with her and doing her nails, or she decides to slap me and take a piss on me (this has occurred 3 times). I don't think I've ever realized that I love my sister and I don't know where I'd be with out her.
     The song quote in the title is from "Just to See You Smile" by Tim McGraw. The song came up on Pandora and I immediately thought of Grace. Another song that makes me think of Grace is "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift.

Memoirs of a Geisha

     I just finished reading Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. The novel tells the story of a geisha named Sayuri (beautiful name isn't it?). Although the story and the characters are supposed to be fictional, the novel is a realistic view of the life of a geisha in the district of Gion (in Kyoto) during the 1930's and 1940's. This story is long. The print is the size of an ant, the pages are gossamer, and it is about an inch and a half thick. But believe me when I tell you that every period, word, and sentence, is worth reading. Memoirs goes so deeply into a sort of "geisha sub-culture" of mainstream Japanese culture. The storyline starts from when Sayuri was a child living in the countryside (going by the name Chiyo) until she was a retired geisha living in New York. What I love most about the book is the way Golden words everything. Nothing is said directly, per se. The reader is left to imply many details. The reason it took me so long to read this book s simply because of this. Having to go back and read a chapter twice just to decipher the meaning out of it took extremely long. I borrowed the book from Giselle at the beginning of the school year in September and I just gave it back two days ago. All in all, the book is pure genius and worth the time put into reading it. Hopefully, I can watch the movie very soon. I don't want to set my standards as high as the book, but I think it will be great.

I swear the woman in this picture is absolutely BEAUTIFUL.

But your untouchable, burning brighter than the sun, Now that you're close, I feel like coming undone

    I'm gonna say something to AJ. I decided that Saturday night. I feel this sense of urgency to say something to him before his last day of school, which is earlier because he is a senior and I'm not. I don't have the details but what ever I'm gonna say is along the lines of "Well, I know you don't feel the same way but, I kinda like you. I just wanted you to know that. Bye." I can't think of anything else to say. Stan warned me not to put him in a bad place...or make things extremely awkward. But I REALLY want him to know. This is more than just telling the guy I like my true feelings. It's so much more. I want to be in control of my fate for once. If I end up with a boyfriend, I want it to be MY doing. More likely than not, if I end up heartbroken, I want it to be MY doing so, not anybody else. I want control. As usual there is a Taylor Swift song that goes perfectly well with my mindset. Its called "Untouchable." This song eerily describes my predicament. Every time I hear it, my body just freezes.  Here are some of the lyrics:
Untouchable
Untouchable like a distant diamond sky
I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why
I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you

Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
And when you're close, I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

In the middle of the night waking from this dream
I wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

I wish I could be strong without somebody there.

     Lady Gaga is the best. I just had to start out by saying that. I mean "Just Dance" and other songs from "The Fame"were catchy tunes but the song that really got me into Gaga was "Born This Way." As cliche as it sounds, I was pulled from the moment she said "It doesn't matter if you love him or capital H-I-M." I'm not one of those crazy "monsters" but in all honesty, I could listen to her all day. And not get annoyed. "Born this Way" is my favorite song simply because of the message of self-love and pride it gives. Lets be honest, I don't go around hugging myself and telling myself about how great everything is but after listening to that song, I always feel better. My other song by Mother Monster (MM) is "Scheisse" (sometimes spelled with a German letter that looks like a B). The song reeks of "GIRL-POWER" and I love the smell of it. The title quote is actually from this song. To be honest, Lady Gaga one of my favorite artists (the other being Taylor Swift). I think the reason people go by the masses to see her is simple. She's just like Jesus (the real one). I'm not saying she's a saint, but they both have the same affect on people. This is because they appeal to the broken. Broken-hearted, broken-minded, broken-spirited. I used to know this kid named Jack who was openly gay. And I mean OPEN. You had to be an idiot to not know it. But anyways, he was once talking about how he LOVED MM. At the time I liked her too, but I didn't see what the hoopla was all about. The next day, "Born This Way" premiered and I was hooked. Her music teaches to be proud of yourself, no matter what others may think, and you are just fine the way you are. Maybe I should start acting instead of listening.

Stan.

     I realized that there was one person I have not blogged about. I kind of feel bad because I blog about the guy I like and the little things he does but I haven't blogged about a guy that really means a lot to me. This one's for you Stan. Even though I've only known Stan for about year and a half, I've really grown to love him (as a friend). The reason I value my friendship with him so much is because I can tell him everything and not worry about any repercussions. In other words, I can confide in him and he confides with me. And that's practically how our relationship is. I used to want a boyfriend, mainly so I can just talk to someone and not be lonely. But now that I think about it, I already have that. I have Stan and I have my girlfriends. If one comes, great. If not, that's perfectly OK.Although it's hard to squeeze a word in when he's talking sometimes, I always learn something new about him and myself when we speak.

Things I talk about with Stan:

1. Swan
2. The other girl
3. Jesus
4. HEMO-RAGE
5. The Peanut Gallery
6. Jason Russell's Naked Meltdown
7. APUSH