I hate hospitals. Currently, I'm standing outside my grandmother's room, disgusted. Even though I want to be a doctor, I can't stand vomit- no, its the SOUND that kills me. One thought keeps coming to my mind... Why do I always come back here? For the past year, I've been praying relentlessly that my grandma get better. Why hasn't God answered my prayers?!?!? I'm really beginning to question where God is. To whoever is reading this, feel free to answer me. I used to have 100 percent faith in God and in my religion. I thought that in the end, things get better, not worse. In the past two years, I have lost a lot of my faith in God and in people. I don't say that I've lost it all because most of my family (especially Grace) is healthy, I've got good grades, and I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. But having those things don't equate to happiness.
Seeing my grandmother in the hospital was awful. While my grandmother's caretaker was leading a prayer (ironic,eh?) my mom and I both broke out in tears. My mom was her first born and has been with her the longest. I lived with my grandmother all my life until three years ago, when she had a major stroke. Her home was the only home I've ever known. I kept asking myself "Where's God?" The absolute worst of the entire visit was when my grandmother said for herself "I'm done. I'm finished." God, are you aware of how desperate a person has to be to say that? My grandmother isn't old, she's only 63. She worked hard her entire life, started a new life in a new country, and eventually earned the American dream. And this is what you do? Strike her down?!?! I get so angry thinking about it. You let fools run around stealing money and raping children but you hurt the innocent ones? What kind of "God" are you? I get so disgusted and angry thinking about it. God's supposed to be my father, know my name, know my wants and needs. I used to find comfort in believing that, but now, I just don't know what to think.
I don't know what to call myself now. I'm not atheist, as I still pray every night hoping "God" might answer. Maybe I'm agnostic. All I know for sure is that I'm not Christian anymore. The idea of Jesus and having a true "God" that cares for you is a nice thought, but I LOATHE the church. I don't want to stand by a church that says the most hypocritical bullshit in the world. They say "We're all God's children" but at the same time, they say you're going to hell if you are anything but straight. I bet 50 years ago, the same people were saying that if you date a black person, you're going to hell too. If you're anything that's not in the bible, they have a generic answer for you: You're going to hell. They say "We need to stop the spread of HIV/AIDS and other STDs" but at the same time, they think its a sin to use condoms.
I want my grandmother to get better more than a lot of things. Maybe if she did, I'd regain my faith. But by the way it looks now, I don't think so.
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