Where'd you go, I miss you so, seems like it's been forever since you've been gone...please come back home ♥

     So I told you that Fred's back. Well, this weekend, I saw him. No, I shouldn't tel you that. It wasn't him. It was this guy who looks like him, talks like him, smells like him, but was NOT him. I feel like he's two people...one on drugs, the other one sober. The Fred I know is sober. When I saw him, there was this bolt of energy that came with me seeing him. A growing beard, crazy eyes, and disheveled hair. That feeling later became numbness. I wish I could tell you, but I just can't. Every time I think about it, all I want to do is ball up and cry. A million people can tell me everythings gonna be okay. But its a lie. I mentioned it to Kaitlin earlier and I wanted some kind of logical reassurance that everything was fine. But in the end, I ended up saying that I just wanted her to listen and if she didn't want to respond, that was okay. Well, to be honest. It wasn't. I don't think I'm upset because everyone has problems and I guess sometimes, nobody really cares and talking to someone about your problems and never asking about theirs can really bring someone down. (sorry Kaitlin) I feel like this is all my fault.  I really wish Fred would get better. I want the old him to return. I want things to get better. I want to see my mother smile again. I try my best to smile a lot but its really hard when you are fighting tears at the same time. I see my friends, who are going through shit that is probably a million times worse than mine and they can put smiles on their faces and be happy so well.In all honesty, I feel like my life is moving around me going at the speed of light and I'm just standing there, confused. I guess I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop, which I believe is going to happen soon.