It happened. It too no less than 1 minute and it was enough to bring my entire day down. I told him and he smiled and said that I'm a sweet girl. But all I really want to do right now is cry. And it sucks because I don't even know why. I wasn't expecting him to tell me that he liked me back. But I sure as hell didn't expect that. I know I should be happy, but I'm not. Its like being stuck on an island and when a helicopter lets it ladder down and the second you reach for it, the rope's pulled away. I knew this was a bad idea and I still went for it. Even though I wanted to seal my own fate, I'm still disappointed. What's worse is that I have to see him one last time. It's going to be very awkward. I'm so happy that I have an awards ceremony.
In a way, I'm glad I'll never see him again. I'm glad, I'll never know who he told and what his true reaction was. I mean,he could have been smiling on the outside and shuddering on the inside for all I know. I guess the saying "Out of sight, out of mind." is true. Hopefully, I 'll never see him and forget about his existence in the first place.
When it first happened, I was like "Wow, Sara, you did it!" After a couple of minutes, then it sunk in- I was just flat out rejected. Not that I have never faced rejection before. It was just different this time. It sounded nice and sweet but with though I was able to remember that rejection is rejection, whether its blunt and crass or poetic and sugar-coated. I'm so sick of being rejected by people. I hate being so goddamned vulnerable. I know its bad, but what if things were different. What if I were pretty? What if I were popular? What if I thin? Things would have gone extremely different. I might have gotten his number, or at least a hug. I like to try to think where "being me" has gotten me. Good grades and nice friends. That's it. I'm not trying to be ungrateful (I value both of these things), but that's not getting me anywhere. I've heard of a bunch of guys that have graduated at the top of their classes and had friends but still amount to nothing. I want more. I don't want to be vulnerable. As mean as this sounds, I'd rather be the rejector than the rejected. I want to put myself in the position of never being hurt again. I want to change.
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