People aren't what they seem. Today, at lunch, I yapping with Kaitlin, as usual. But them something crossed my mind- why doesn't you-know-who have a girlfriend? Kaitlin said it was because he probably doesn't like any of the girls at our tiny school. But I really think it's more. Then I thought: maybe he's abusive. The thouht may seem far fetched to you but if you've seen him, you'd probably suspect the same thing. Its like everyday I learn something new about him. Today I learned that most of the senior boys in my class like to visit strip clubs. And of course, he's one of them. Later on in class, I saw him sitting by himself. There was also an empty chair next to him. I mustered up all of the courage in my being to sit in it. Maybe, just maybe, he'll say something. So, I did it. AND HE DIDNT SAY A FUCKING WORD. I really don't know why, but I was hurt. This points right back to my last post-What does he think of me? Does he know I exist? I really should say something to him...but I'm too scared. When I'm around people I don't know that well, I tend to be very,what's the word, oh yeah, AWKWARD. I jumble up my words, I talk fast, and I shake. I've never really had much of a high self esteem. If you havent noticed, I think I'm fat. My friends reassure me that I'm not but what decent friend would tell another friend that she is fat even when it is true. My hypothesis is that maybe if there was less of me, things would be easier. God, I can't stay on subject. It's probably because there's so much on my mind. Lately, a lot of things have gotten under my skin. Here are some of them:
- The fact that no matter how hard I try, HE will never love me back.
- The fact that I don't know how people truly feel about me, so I know who my real friends are.
- The fact that I probably will be forever alone.
I could probably go on for hours. But I won't. I'll spare you there.
P.S. Hey to my visitors in Germany and Russia!!!!!!!
P.S.S. GREETINGS FROM THE USA!!!!!
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