My Music

     Lately, I've been discovering some new artists that I'm beginning to fall in love with. First and foremost, is The Weeknd (pronounced WEEK-END). No, autocorrect, I didn't spell that wrong. I had first come across him (blindly) when I was listening to Drake (the song was "Crew Love" to be exact). I love Drake. More precisely, I love "Marvin's Room" or "Find Your Love" Drake, not The Motto (*cough* YOLO *cough*) or Bedrock Drake. I like the song that makes me miss people I've never known, his emotional songs. I actually confused The Weeknd for Drake initially  It wasn't until my brother corrected me did I realize that Drake wasn't the only person on the track. Then I completely forgot about The Weeknd. Recently, I came across another song, named "Thursday", and I immediately fell in love. To me, The Weeknd is a cross between Michael Jackson and Drake. The content of his music is similar to Drake but his voice is reminiscent of a young Michael Jackson. My favorite songs by The Weeknd (aka Abel Tesfaye) have to be "Wicked Games", "The Morning", "Loft Music", "Thursday", and "Twenty Eight."

     The second artist that I have grown to love is Frank Ocean. I heard about him earlier this year when he revealed that his first love was a man. Which was a big deal coming from someone in the hip hop community, known for its homophobia and the amount of support he received from fellow  hip hop artists. I love the songs "Novacane" and "Thinkin Bout You" (I can't explain the music video) the most. Unlike The Weeknd, whose music is very dark, Frank Ocean's music is much lighter. Both of them produce music I would describe as "Alternative Hip-Hop." While it contains a lot of the subject and lyrics of Hip Hop, the sound and feel is noticeably different. This music doesn't make you want to shake your ass.

     The last artist I wanted to mention is a band named Silverstein. I heard them for the first time while driving back from YMCA with my friend Arielle. I really love the song "Darling Harbour" which reminds me of the 2006-era music scene. Unlike that particular song, their music is mostly punk and emo.  Also Silverstein (like The Weeknd) are Canadians. God, do I love Canadians (except for Justin Bieber). 

A Year Already

     So Fred's birthday is this Saturday. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And it's finally hit me that its been a year since he's been gone. It all feels so unreal. Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving of my life that will not end with the entire family singing him Happy Birthday and eating cake. I won't run out of my room on Saturday morning to wish my big brother a happy birthday. I won't be able to complain about the fact that Fred is the only person that ever eats the stuffing in my family and that there is no use in making it.  This last year has been tough. I feel as if most people don't sympathize with my loss of my brother. They either don't repsond, act aloof, or say naive things that insinuate that I deserve to be terrorized. Then I remind myself that the relationship I had with Fred is one-in-a-million. In a way, no one (except one person maybe) relates to my bond with my brother. We almost like twins, we look alike (so they say), have the same liverspots on our hands, same birthmark underneath our right bicep, and we both constantly clash with Stephen. Its weird because everyone talks about their "best friend" and saying "(blank) is like family to me." Well, all of my best friends are family. My own flesh and blood. My favorite memory of Fred was when I about six. We were at our grandmother's house and we would go outside and catch lizards. I never caught anything but I enjoyed going because he made me feel important and we would always talk. We didn't discuss quantum physics or the meaning of life but I enjoyed hearing about "big-kid stuff" like homework and races and music with cursing. As ridiculous as it sounds, I remember asking Fred who he plans on marrying. He probably didn't know about incest or the law yet either because he said "If I can't find someone, I'll pick you." Another one of my favorite memories is when we went to Epcot together a couple of years ago. We waited in line for Soarin for about 3 hours, and once I got on the ride, I chickened out because I'm scared of heights. He talked me back in to going on the ride but I was still terrified. I vividly remember him clenching my hand (because he was scared of heights as well) the entire ride and somehow, I felt better. Its weird to think of him today. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder what went through his mind on my birthday. What's going through his mind now that its the day before Thanksgiving and no one has seen him for months. He probably thinks that my family's forgotten him. I wish I could write him a letter reminding him of the unconditional love my family has for him. That even though he hurt all of us, that we all have the strength and courage to forgive. That he will forever be my big brother and hold a special place in my heart.
     I wonder what will happen in this next year. I pray that Fred has a happy, healthy and safe birthday and many more to come. I pray that I will be reunited with my brother. And most importantly, I pray that he will conquer the demons that have possessed him for this past year. I have faith in God that things will get better and I know that with time, faith and prayer, God will answer. If there is a will, there is a way.

I tried so hard, and got so far, in the end, it doesn't even matter.

     So today I took finished my midterms and got my final grades for the semester. I'm not to sure about how I feel about it. I mean, there's all the shit that's going on at home, my grandmother has pneumonia, and I miss my brothers terribly.  Yesterday while at a "study session", which turned in to one big hilarious shit talking fest, a certain friend remarked on why he stopped striving for straight A's. He said that life was much more fun once you let go a little. I currently don't have straight A's, and for the most part (excluding earlier), I'm pretty fine. Jealous Assholes try to make me dwell on the fact that I don't have them (as if having straight A's makes your life any better, happier, or enjoyable) but I'm fine. Life goes on, the sun keeps shining. Sometimes my best won't be an A. Compared to last year, I'm much more happier (albeit more easily irritated). I guess I'm more laissez faire than I was before. I have clubs, I actually do crap outside of school (contrary to popular belief, school isn't the only gig I have going) and spend time doing miscellaneous activities (spending time with family and Grace). I'd rather have true friends, happiness, and sanity, than to drive myself to the brink (or the need of therapy) just for an A on a piece of paper. While A's are nice, they REALLY aren't everything, an idea that is becoming more clear by the second. I can become a doctor without getting straight A's. My calculus teacher (as evil as she can be) even prided herself in being my first teacher to give me a B. Kudos to her. But, I realized (in 20 minutes), that I'm kind of, no, I AM proud of myself. Having 3 AP classes, at least 4 hours of homework a night, my leadership program, NHS, and somehow making new friends has brought me farther than any A I could have ever received. In a way, I took my grades for granted. This was the first time, my best wasn't good enough. Even the best fall down sometimes. I've fallen and I've gotten right back up. I'm kind of glad that this happened. Failure is inevitable and I'm glad to have faced it now and moved on than to have gotten the A and continued to live in a fool's paradise. 

Schizophrenia and Mental Disorder

      Schizo. Coo-coo. Wacko. Nutso. Freak. All terms for people with mental disorders. Mental disorders are stigmatized in the United States although over 20% of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. More likely than not, you will be affected by someone that suffers from a mental illness, whether it be Anxiety Disorders, Schizophrenia, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anorexia etc. Society portrays those with mental disorders as violent, unintelligent, and subhuman. How dare you call someone "subhuman." While not everyone is intelligent (mentally ill people included), not everyone that suffers from a mental illness is stupid. John Nash, an extremely gifted (and Nobel Prize-winning)  mathematician, whose story that was portrayed in the movie A Beautiful Mind, was schizophrenic.
     The mental disorder that has affected me personally is Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a chemical imbalance of dopamine in the brain that causes characteristic auditory hallucinations that are often paranoid in nature. 1 in 100 people have Schizophrenia. Unfortunately, not much research is put into the disease, even though it is common. Schizophrenia (along with Suicide Ideation) is one of the most stigmatized diseases in the United States. While I do believe that diseases such as heart disease and cancer deserve the attention and awareness they receive, I feel like the vast majority of the population believes that they are the ONLY diseases that can be spoken about in public. Research in Schizophrenia should be just as common as other diseases. Schizophrenia just  is a chemical imbalance, just like diabetes.
     I seriously don't see why mental disorders are stigmatized. I hate it when someone says a person "took their own life." It makes the deceased look like they are selfish for what they did, instead of having compassion for a person who was so down that they didn't believe that there was a way out. Its considered good publicity for a celebrity to attend a Heart Disease charity event, but what about a Bipolar Disorder one? More likely than not, no one will seem to care, and if they do, it will be bad publicity. I respect Catherine Zeta-Jones for deciding to open up to suffering from Bipolar II Disorder. Numerous artists have opened up to having mental disorders of their own. But that's not enough. EVERYONE needs to know that mental disorders don't make you less than an average person. If everyone knew this, then more people would be asking for help. The stigma of mental disorder stops many people from acknowledging that they indeed are mentally ill and need help.
     I want to do something. I want to spread the word about mental illnesses, especially Schizophrenia. I want to see a world where people aren't judged for having a mental illness. Where people can realize that mental disorders are just as bad as physical ones, and deserve the same attention. That people with mental disorders are people too. They have wants, needs, responsibilities and most of all, deserve respect.

If you want some more information:
1. Schizophrenia- A Personal Story
2. Schizophrenia-Ashley's Story
3. Mental Illness Stigma
4. National Alliance on Mental Illness

Questionnaire

Here you go Giselle,

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?- No
2. You talked to an ex today, correct?- I have no exes.
4. Is trust a big issue for you?- Not really
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?- I wish
6. What are you excited for?- Graduation
7. What happened tonight? Nothing
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?Yes
9. Is confidence cute? Kind of
10. What is the last beverage you had? Milk
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? None
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yes, 2
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Nothing
14. What are you going to spend money on next? Clothes.
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? No
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yes
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My mother
18. The last time you felt broken? Two weeks ago
19. Have you had sex today? No
20. Are you starting to realize anything? My life is boring
21. Are you in a good mood? Yes
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? No
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Probably
24. What do you want right this second? Someone to hang out with
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I hope that bitch falls in a ditch.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Yesterday's lunch
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Yes
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? No
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No
34. Listening to? Taylor Swift, all day everyday.
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Yes, math mostly
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Yes
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? I wouldn't know
38. Who did you last call? My mom
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Don't remember
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I loved them.
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Months ago
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No, but I wish I had
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Nope (thank the lord)
44. Do you tan in the nude? I'm too dark to tan
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Not for the world
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No
47. Who was the last person to call you? My mom
48. Do you sing in the shower? Yes
49. Do you dance in the car? No. Only because my car doesn't have tinted windows.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? No
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? A month ago
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? NO
53. Is Christmas stressful? Not for me. I just receive the gifts.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? I'm not Polish.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? DOCTOR
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Not sure
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? YES
59. Take a vitamin daily? No
60. Wear slippers? No I have carpet
61. Wear a bath robe? No, I like to air dry after a shower.
62. What do you wear to bed? Pajamas
63. First concert? Haven't been to a real one yet...Hopefully Taylor Swift next Spring
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Wal-Mart
65. Nike or Adidas? Nike
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Neither
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Peanuts
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Enchanted, Back to December, Untouchable, Forever and Always, and EVERYTHING ELSE
69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes, Jazz when I was little
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Doctor
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes
72. Ever won a spelling bee?Nope
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes
74. What is your favorite book? The Pact by Jodi Picoult
75. Do you study better with or without music? Without
76. Regularly burn incense? No
77. Ever been in love? No
78. Who would you like to see in concert?Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry
79. What was the last concert you saw? Refer to the original "concert" question
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot
81. Tea or coffee? Tea
82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip
83. Can you swim well? I'm black
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes
85. Are you patient? No
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Band
87. Ever won a contest? Yes
88. Ever have plastic surgery? No
89. Which are better black or green olives? Black is always better
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Fine as long as both people consent
91. Best room for a fireplace? Living room
92. Do you want to get married? Yes.

Because these things will change

     My aunt tells me that change is the one constant of life. Everyone and everything changes. In all honesty, I like the person I'm changing into. I trust no one, other than my mom whom I trust with all of my heart, I've learned that I can't force people into my life, people come and go, and most importantly, I stopped (for the most part) being so selfish. The last thing was probably the hardest since its so easy to say "Why does everything happen to me?" and its not easy to realize that not everything happening to you. I like the fact that slowly (but surely) I'm becoming more social and less shy, something I've been wanting for years. I like being with different people and hearing different stories than my usual friends. With that being said, I also love being alone and working independently. Because when push comes to shove, people will bail- "friends" will betray you. While I do accept (and ask for) help when its needed , I don't like using others as a crutch... Its just not how my mother raised me. That leads to my next subject- dating or courtship, which shouldn't really be a subject but I always have to put my two cents into everything. Its not that I don't want a guy, but its simply that I don't need a guy. People around you don't equate to happiness. Kurt Cobain was loved by millions but he still committed suicide. My grandmother always tells me not to let guys "whisper in my ear" (don't know why I set that off in quotes) and that I should wait. Since my grandmother has been right about everything, I've decided to listen to her before I get my heart broken or find myself alone, not in med school, and a mother. I think the vast majority of high school relationships are pointless. Not because I want all of them to fail, but (correct me if I'm wrong) because most of them don't seem to be worth the heartache and pain when break ups occur. I don't want to tell my daughters about the 50 men I dated before I met their father. I would rather just speak about 3 or 4 good relationships that led me to the right one.
     The only thing that hasn't changed is my final destination. I want to be either a neonatologist or a pediatric psychiatrist when I grow up. I seriously can't wait to graduate high school and just be done with all of the trifle little things and people. I haven't decided where I want to go (mostly honors med programs up north), but by God I know where I want to end up. Even though its considered normal to not know what your career path may be, I don't think there has ever been a day in my life where I didn't see myself becoming a MD. I know that the road is tough (and expensive) but I think I can manage.
     I used to despise change. Even though I've gone through things that I wouldn't wish on someone else, it has made me who I am. What doesn't kill you truly makes you stronger. And I wouldn't change that for the world.

Thoughts During School

     As you may have noticed (but I doubt you actually did), I haven't blogged much. Mostly because (contrary to what you may believe) I have things to do after school and/or weekends- homework. But lately, I've been spending most of my days in my personal hell/heaven (depending on the day)- School. During school, I think. Sometimes about what is being said, the intelligence of my peers, or anything else. Here are the most common thoughts:

• *When I see the kids (excluding my good-looking friends)*-My school is full of creatures. 
• *When one kid won't stop blathering to my Calculus teacher (and me on occasion)*-Shut the fuck up
• *When the guy I like speaks in second period*-You're (NOT YOUR) an idiot.
• *When a slutty girl calls another girl a slut*-Honey, it takes one to know one.
• *When I'm walking in the hallway*- MOVE BITCH
• *When I walk into school*-When am I going to graduate?
• *When I walk out of school*- One day closer to graduation!

My inspiration, Spongebob Squarepants once said "At least I'm safe inside my mind..." Thank the lord, no one knows my inner thoughts.