Because these things will change

     My aunt tells me that change is the one constant of life. Everyone and everything changes. In all honesty, I like the person I'm changing into. I trust no one, other than my mom whom I trust with all of my heart, I've learned that I can't force people into my life, people come and go, and most importantly, I stopped (for the most part) being so selfish. The last thing was probably the hardest since its so easy to say "Why does everything happen to me?" and its not easy to realize that not everything happening to you. I like the fact that slowly (but surely) I'm becoming more social and less shy, something I've been wanting for years. I like being with different people and hearing different stories than my usual friends. With that being said, I also love being alone and working independently. Because when push comes to shove, people will bail- "friends" will betray you. While I do accept (and ask for) help when its needed , I don't like using others as a crutch... Its just not how my mother raised me. That leads to my next subject- dating or courtship, which shouldn't really be a subject but I always have to put my two cents into everything. Its not that I don't want a guy, but its simply that I don't need a guy. People around you don't equate to happiness. Kurt Cobain was loved by millions but he still committed suicide. My grandmother always tells me not to let guys "whisper in my ear" (don't know why I set that off in quotes) and that I should wait. Since my grandmother has been right about everything, I've decided to listen to her before I get my heart broken or find myself alone, not in med school, and a mother. I think the vast majority of high school relationships are pointless. Not because I want all of them to fail, but (correct me if I'm wrong) because most of them don't seem to be worth the heartache and pain when break ups occur. I don't want to tell my daughters about the 50 men I dated before I met their father. I would rather just speak about 3 or 4 good relationships that led me to the right one.
     The only thing that hasn't changed is my final destination. I want to be either a neonatologist or a pediatric psychiatrist when I grow up. I seriously can't wait to graduate high school and just be done with all of the trifle little things and people. I haven't decided where I want to go (mostly honors med programs up north), but by God I know where I want to end up. Even though its considered normal to not know what your career path may be, I don't think there has ever been a day in my life where I didn't see myself becoming a MD. I know that the road is tough (and expensive) but I think I can manage.
     I used to despise change. Even though I've gone through things that I wouldn't wish on someone else, it has made me who I am. What doesn't kill you truly makes you stronger. And I wouldn't change that for the world.

Thoughts During School

     As you may have noticed (but I doubt you actually did), I haven't blogged much. Mostly because (contrary to what you may believe) I have things to do after school and/or weekends- homework. But lately, I've been spending most of my days in my personal hell/heaven (depending on the day)- School. During school, I think. Sometimes about what is being said, the intelligence of my peers, or anything else. Here are the most common thoughts:

• *When I see the kids (excluding my good-looking friends)*-My school is full of creatures. 
• *When one kid won't stop blathering to my Calculus teacher (and me on occasion)*-Shut the fuck up
• *When the guy I like speaks in second period*-You're (NOT YOUR) an idiot.
• *When a slutty girl calls another girl a slut*-Honey, it takes one to know one.
• *When I'm walking in the hallway*- MOVE BITCH
• *When I walk into school*-When am I going to graduate?
• *When I walk out of school*- One day closer to graduation!

My inspiration, Spongebob Squarepants once said "At least I'm safe inside my mind..." Thank the lord, no one knows my inner thoughts.

IG Pics

I wish that there was more than just a generic "Like" button on Instagram. A "LOVE X1000000000000" would be awesome. Here are my favs

Junior Year

      Wow...I feel like I haven't blogged in forever...I guess it was because school started. Well, anyways, I'm officially a junior! So far, the year has been (for lack of a better term) fine. I don't really feel overwhelmed. Yet. I have four core classes, an extra curricular activity that requires being out of school once a month, an officer in training for National Honor Society, and I plan on joining some clubs (one of which Stan happens to be an officer for). I'm really excited for this year, mostly so I can get everything for college done and over with so I can graduate.(Finally!) I plan on taking my SAT and ACT this spring, which seems a little daunting because I did less than perfect on my PSAT last year.
    Last Friday, I decided to speak with my calculus teacher about an issue that really bothered me (not math related but I'd rather not say here). I ended up staying with her for about 25 minutes, mostly her lecturing me (it was a good one) about my issue. She said something that I've never really registered in my mind. I'm currently tied for the valedictorian spot in my grade. She said that people (in my school especially) are very two faced and will sometimes say things to put you down out of jealousy. I never really thought I'm worth envying. She referred to last year's senior class valedictorian, who was widely loved and hated. She said that many people didn't believe that Sara (the valedictorian) deserved the honor. I think it was mostly because of jealousy. This girl was perfect and basically an academic all-around. I guess I just realized that there are (and are going to be) people who don't think I deserve it. Which really blows my mind simply because I do think I deserve it. Not that it really matters. Valedictorian or salutatorian does not equate to better jobs or better money. But for some reason, it means the world to me. It's the best "good job" I can give my mother, my aunt,my grandmother or my family. It's the best "your sacrifices were worth it" I can give to them. That even though one of your sons has gone off the deep end, there's still hope. Why go to school if you don't intend on being your best? For me, that has always meant THE BEST. Or maybe its my competitiveness. One of my friends once asked me "If you could get straight F's for the rest of high school or kill everyone, what would you do?" It wasn't an easy decision but in all honesty, I only see myself talking to two people (and hopefully married to another) after high school ends. That's how much grades mean to me.
       Grades aren't the only important aspect of this year, I also have a lot of things going on outside of school. First and foremost, I'm doing this leadership program. We get to visit the jail, colleges, and important areas all over my county. Plus, I'm guaranteed great food and being out once a month won't affect my perfect attendance. I'm also excited for NHS. We plan on doing a lot of activities that benefit our community. Finally, (cross my fingers) I'm going on College Tour. Its an entire weekend devoted to visiting colleges all over my state (and my dream school is included). Stan went last year and told me about it (including what he ate at each school). I'm so excited.
     I'm interested in what my junior year has in store for me.

To all my kickass women, courtesy of the internet

"In spite of everything I still believe that people are good at heart. I simply cannot build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death."-Anne Frank

     One person (other than my mom) who inspires me to achieve greatness is Anne Frank. Anne Frank was a Jewish teenager who wrote a diary while her family was in hiding during the German Occupation of The Netherlands during World War II. I have read multiple biographies of her life and her now famous diary, which I am now considering reading for the third time. My favorite quote from it is " In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death." The quote speaks volumes about who she was as a person. She was far wise beyond her years. And now that I think about it, she's right. There are good people in this world. Not everyone is bad. About a week ago, my mother fell while she was trying to drop books off in the bin at the library. Before I got to her, there were  30 people trying to help her.
  I try my best to live up to that quote. To keep an open mind about others.  I know that I've said that "I hate people!" in the past, but now I kinda regret saying that. It's kind of wrong. Unless you've met all 6 (or 7 I forget) billion people, you can't judge them all, especially before meeting most of them. I will love some people and I hate others. But at least I give them all a fair chance in the beginning. Having a negative attitude sets me up for failure. My freshman year of high school, I have to say, I was pretty happy. And I met a lot of people. Some I like, and some I wish I hadn't met. Last year though, I was really unhappy for the most part and I kind of went into my shell. And I didn't really meet anyone new. I hope my junior year (which is less than a week away) will go much better.
   My favorite part of the quote is the last sentence. It's pretty straightforward. Whenever I'm upset, I think to myself "What could happen that would make me happy?" I either give myself two options, food or nothing. Most of my problems stem from things I have no control over. So why fight it? If I'm constantly unhappy, where do my hopes go? Down the toilet. And I've fought too long and too hard for that to happen.
    I love the quote because of the feeling it evokes in me. Anne wrote that down in the attic of an office building in Amsterdam hiding from the Nazis. She knew being caught was certain death. She knew of the atrocities that were happening outside of the building. Yet she remained hopeful. And she was two years younger than me (most likely 14 when she wrote the quote, months away from being caught). If she could muster up all  that strength, then by God I can too.

Rap Music

     Okay guys, it's time for my quarterly rant. This time, its gonna be about rap music. No topics will be barred. I'm not afraid to say it, I really enjoy rap music. I like the beat and feel of it. 808's and synthesizers only make the music better. Judging by others opinions, Rap is a love it or hate it kind of thing. Some people love it and others fervently oppose it, for a variety of reasons. My problem with people who don't like it stems from two observations: one being that never really listened to real rap music and they go by harsh stereotypes on what is it to be a rapper. One day in history class, a kid, Devon, made a comment about some word in a rap song and its potential meaning. My teacher, Mr. Steinbeck, said something along the lines of "Raps not real music, just noise people make. Women say that they are being degraded yet they sing along to the music." I was seething with annoyance at that point. He didn't even know what real rap music is. All he had  probably ever heard is that (for lack of a better term) "Pussy, Money, and Weed" sub genre of rap music. NOT ALL RAP IS LIKE THAT! Second of all, people always use stereotypes. I loathe stereotypes. They're degrading for the most part, rude, and disrespectful. People claim that they aren't racist/judgmental on others yet they continue to use stereotypes. I am perfectly aware of the fact that most rappers are young black men and they  appeal to a crowd of young black men. But sorry, not all young black men are hustlers, rapists, and drug dealers.
     A large issue with rap music is the use of the N word.... NIGGER. In the hip hop community, NIGGER is used as a way to identify another black male. In the rest of society, it is a degrading term for African Americans. Well, lets face reality. There will always be racist people and they will never stop calling blacks  NIGGERS. I might as well get used to it. My pre-calc teacher (who was Argentinian) referred to other Hispanics at her high school as "spics." Girls call themselves "bitches" and "whores" with pride, and no one (of any race) is crying about that. Not all rappers use the word, listen to them. Get over it.
     Another equally large issue with rap music is its ideals of women (most of them being degrading, of course). But to be brutally honest, I've heard women being degraded in many genres of music such as rock, country, and pop. We live in an over-sexualized society, with with questionable views of women in music, movies, and books everywhere. But to say a whole entire genre of music is about sex without even listening to all of it is a little judgmental, isn't it?
    Not to say that rappers aren't judgemental themselves. One of the worst atrocities to rap music, Lil Wayne is known for saying "No homo" before he starts rapping, and another hot mess, Tyler the Creator, is known for his use of anti-gay slurs in his lyrics. But to say that all rappers are homophobes would be incorrect. Slowly but surely, they are changing. Earlier this summer, a rapper, Frank Ocean, admitted that his first love was a man. While he did receive death threats from ignorant assholes on Twitter, many people in the rap community like Russell Simmons ( RUN DMC), Jay-Z, Kanye West, Chris Brown (albeit a violent woman beater), 50 Cent, Jamie Foxx, and Beyonce voiced public support for him.
    I have to say, I'm suprised that you're still reading. But anyways, you must be wondering, "Sara, what do YOU like?" Well, in a nutshell, I like OLD rap music, mostly from the 1980's and 1990's and a few exceptions in the millennium (but next to nothing post-2009). If you have never listened to rap before and you are wondering what I think is good here's a list:

My Favorite Rap Songs

1. Dear Mama- Tupac Shakur Why I love this song: My mother is my world. I heard this song for the first time on Mothers Day a couple of years ago. Its hard for me not to cry when I hear this song. Not to say that kids who grow up with two parents don't love them as much, but I really think that when you're the child of a single parent, especially a mom, you have a special love for them that goes much deeper. Instead of having two people, you just have one and you become especially grateful for the one you have. My mother is more than my mother, she's my mother AND my father rolled in one. And I wouldn't want it any other way. 
2. Dead Presidents- Jay Z Why I love this song: This was the first rap song I have ever listened to. My uncle loves to retell the story of how he was at McDonald's when this song first came on and having no clue who the hell Jay-Z was and the fact that he would go on to become his favorite rapper. And mine too. 
3. Juicy- Notorious B.I.G Why I love this song: This is probably the most cliche-d rap song out there. I'd assume you've been living under a rock (or haven't been in my weight training class) if you say that you've never heard the opening lines to this song. The song is about change. Changing your life for the better (but not using the legal route sometimes). Changing from negative to positive. Isn't that what life's about?
4. Stan- Eminem Why I love this song: Best. Eminem.Song. Ever. Period. To understand the song, you must, and I say must, listen to the FULL version of the song (uncensored preferably). As sick and twisted as it comes off, its truly a work of art. Plus, it samples one of my all time favorite songs "Thank You" by Dido.
5. Fugees-Killing Me Softly Why I love this song: I'm not a big fan of covers, but this is an exception. My mom loved Lauryn Hill (before she lost her marbles) and this is one of our favorite songs.
6. Through The Wire- Kanye West Why I love this song: I LOVE the old Kanye West. Before money before fame (and Kim Kardashian). When his mother ruled his world. This is true Kanye West. All I have to say is "Can you write and rap a song with your mouth wired shut?"
7. Jesus Walks- Kanye West Why I love this song: Kanye West Classic. Even though he can be an arrogant jerk, Kanye West has made some pretty good points in his music, especially in this song.
8. 99 Problems- Jay-Z Why I love this song: I'm not thrilled about the lyrics but I happen to love the second verse and the music video. The generic conversation between a cop and a minority caught driving a car. Taught me a little about our Fourth Amendment. God Bless 'Merica.
9. Day N'Nite- Kid Cudi Why I love this song: He's hot. And talented. Perfect Combination. Eeerily reminds me of Fred though. This is the most recent song on this list.
10. Walk this Way- RUN DMC/ Aerosmith , Over and Over- Nelly and Tim McGraw, and Numb/Encore: Jay-Z/ Linkin Park  Why these songs are tied: All of these songs show how rap can be intertwined with other genres of music (like rock and country).