Catch Up

     I feel like summer is going by way too fast. In less than a month, I will be starting the 11th grade, which I am not thrilled to do. Yes, that puts me closer to graduating and leaving, but I can already tell that I am going to be extremely stressed out with two APs, honors, SAT/ACT tests, and other commitments. School hasn't even started yet and I already have an essay to write, a calculus packet with over 100 questions, in addition to a school wide summer reading book. A lot of things have changed in the past month. But here are the big three.
Change #1- I think it's safe to say that I'm over AJ. I don't have any bad feelings over him because of D-day and everything, but I still feel embarrassed over everything. I used to be sad whenever I realized the fact that I won't see him again but now his absence seems to be a great relief to me. With me, I don't just "get over" a guy and just go through a time when I don't like anybody. Its more like my subconscious says "On to the next one!" and within a week I like someone else. This guy isn't new and my feelings for him aren't either. I've liked this guy since 8th grade. What sucks is that when I didn't like him, we had five classes together, were kinda sorta friends and he hugged me on the last day of 7th grade. The great thing is that we're in the same grade and I usually see him a lot in the hallways. I haven't decided on an alias yet. I look forward to a year full of awkward stares and glances.
Change #2- I did something this summer that I've never done before- wear a bikini to the pool/beach. Before, I would always wear those two pieces that cover the stomach (I think its called a tankini). While I don't have a rockin' body, I think I look fine. If I don't wear a bikini now, when will I? I'm definitely not waiting till I'm older (god knows how much weight I will gain by then). So I asked my mom about it and she said yes, but with a large amount of reluctance. I wore my first bikini on June 30th 2012 on vacation. I know it sounds cheesy putting the date and stuff but I think that was a big day for me.
Change #3- Fred. A couple of weeks ago, my mother filed for a protection order against my brother, Fred. The protection order, also known as a restraining order, required that Fred stay away from my mother and Grace at all times. Jack, my oldest brother, still tried to serve as an intermediary between them. As time went on, Fred's relationship with Jack and my mother deteriorated. His behavior became more and more erratic and endangering to Grace.She, being a two year old, became significantly aggressive and started slapping, throwing shoes, and she learned to say "Oh, Shit!". The protective order was officially given about three weeks ago and Fred was told to stay away from my mother and Grace. He fled to my grandmother's house and started problems there. He vandalized the car of the tenants who are renting the upstairs rooms. When my uncle Sean returned from vacation, he told Fred to go and never come back. Out of respect, he left. Only to go back to my mother and therefore breaking the protective order. My mother previously changed the locks and closed the windows and was not home when he returned. Fred broke the windows to the apartment and entered. My mother called the police and he was arrested. She slept over my aunts house and stayed in my room with Grace. It's just hit me that I haven't cried yet. And I really feel like it. When he was here, I just wanted him gone so I wouldn't be so scared. Now that he's gone, I feel weird. It's a mix of anxiety and relief, as odd as it sounds. I feel especially bad for my mother. A few days before, I was looking through some old baby photos and asking how each of us were like when we were babies. Then I came to him and I asked her. And she was like "He gave me the least problems...If you gave him Cheerios and put him in front of the TV, it was as if there was no baby." Growing up, I don't ever recall Fred getting into trouble. This would have been easier if it had been Stephen or Jack simply because they have always given my mother trouble. Its so weird thinking that the child you expected the best from has let you down and is continuing to let you down. I used to get upset at my mom for not calling the police when she should have and letting Fred push all three of us (Me, Stephen, and Jack) away but I see perfectly why. When it's your child, the last thing you want to do is give up. But there comes a time when you have to give up and save yourself, which I think is perfectly okay.

Janet Mock

     I don't remember how or why, but I recently came across this website about a woman named Janet Mock. When I looked at the picture on the homepage, I have to say, I was struck by how beautiful she was. My first thought was "Maybe shes a model or something." Browsing the page, I soon learned that she was fighting for "#girlslikeus." I didn't know exactly what she meant at first. Black girls? Scrolling more, I realized that she was transgender. I clicked on the "Bio" link and watched a short video where Janet explains her younger years and realizing that she was born the wrong gender. Personally, I do believe that Gender Identity Disorder is real. People can be born the wrong sex. As if it doesn't hurt enough to be a girl in a boy's body, or a boy in a girl's body, many trans men and women are excluded from single gender groups and activities.  For instance, Jenna Talackova, faced discrimination from the Miss Universe organization because she is a (trans) woman. Though she was allowed to compete in the end, the organization's decision to include her was highly criticized. Why they were criticized, I really don't know.

   If  it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck, and thinks it's a duck, then it's a duck. Same thing for genders. If a person walks like a woman, talks like a woman, acts like a woman, and believes that she is a woman, than she is a woman. Same for men. It's as simple as that. Boobs and a vagina don't make a woman. Many breast cancer patients must have double mastectomies to save their lives. So if they choose to have the surgeries, they aren't women anymore? 

     With more people sharing their stories of being transgender today than any other time before, it opens up the questions like, What is a boy? What is a girl? Are there only two genders? Part of me says "Yes." But what do I know? I'm a perfectly comfortable girl. Most of my life, I have stuck to society's views on what a girl (or any human being carrying the XX chromosome) is supposed to wear, do, and act. For the most part, I have conformed to my gender (with the exception of my past hobby being catching lizards). But what is it like when you don't...or can't conform and be content with yourself?  Maybe there are people who identify themselves as "intersex" or "middlesex." After looking at the page and learning about what it means to be a a (trans) woman, I have to commend Janet (and all women like her) for her courage. I will never understand fully what it means to be transgender or to be born in the wrong sex, but learning the stories behind the names helps so much. Sometimes, being yourself openly is hard and painful, but in the end, it's always worth it. 

                                                                                                                                             
Janet Mock Website

But it’s just the price I pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes, cause I'm Mr. Brightside

     So my birthday I coming up soon. I have to say, this is the first time that I'm not sure what I want as a gift or what I want to do for the day. It's so weird. For the last three years, I've wanted to go to this water park that's nearby and every year, something came up so I couldn't go. And every year, I'd let that put a damper on the day I was given life by my mother. I will either spend the day at the beach  with my loved ones and then go to dinner or just go to the mall, go shopping, and then out to dinner. I think I'm leaning towards the mall. 
      Right now, I feel very content with my life. I try to find beauty in all of the imperfections that my life brings. It's pretty damn easy to just sit at home and dwell on the bad things, believe me. And for the past couple of months, that seems like all I was doing. These are supposed to be my prime years, I'm not going to waste them on bad things, especially when I have no control over most of them. Some people will like me, other won't. Friends will come and go. Money comes and goes. Living your life to please others guarantees that you will live a miserable life. You may hold people to a high esteem and more often than not, they will let you down. The people that have stuck with you through your tears are the only ones that deserve your smile. In real life, there will always be problems. Nothing will always be 100% perfect. I think I've accepted that my carefree life is over. Real life is settling in (for me at least). People may put on a persona that they're life is always sunny but everyone has problems. Just because you see smiles doesn't mean there are no tears; the hurt is hiding, always. People deal with their hurt in different ways. Some just smile and get through it. Some become materialistic, ex. "retail therapy." Few turn to drugs. No one ( and I mean no one) is perfect.
     I was under the false hope that my teenage years would be the best years of my life. For the most part, they are turning out to be my worst. But why? Because I'm letting that happen. We can't control what we feel, but we can control how we react to it. I keep acting like people can read my mind, and frankly, they can't. I've learned that if you want something, you have to say it. If someone hurt you, try to talk to them. If you're worried about someone, just say it. I need to stop bottling things up and just saying what I feel. Yes, you will hurt some people. But that's life. You won't make everybody happy. There will be people that will hate you just for being yourself and you will piss people off just by smiling. Another source of my unhappiness was my constant comparison to other people. I would look at someone and think "What does she have that I don't?" Then my mind would go into a frenzy. It's not worth it. There are things I have that others don't. There are things others have that I don't. And I'm perfectly okay with it. I have to be thankful what I do have, not jealous over the things I don't have.

"We aim to please, Ms.Steele"

     So I recently, downloaded an audible copy of Fifty Shades if Grey by E.L. James. In all honesty, I think Fifty Shades is one of my favorite books of all time. As mentioned before, it follows the unusual relationship between billionaire Christian Grey and recent college grad Anastasia Steele. The only reason i took me a week to read the entire book was because I was on vacation and my aunt would have had my head if she found out that I was reading this book. So now I am anxiously waiting for the library to give me the book. Its been "In Transit" for the past week now and very little is stopping me from calling to check exactly where my book is. I read the sample to Fifty Shades Darker and I have to say, it is exhilarating so far. This book deals with Christian's past and former submissives.
     Personally, I don't see the big deal. Yes, there's sex. And yes, it explicitly involves BDSM. No, that's not the reason I'm reading the book. I'm a sucker for romance novels (and Christian Grey)  and after hearing so many people rant and rave about the book, I decided to check it out myself. After reading a sample I fell in love. Some people say that it's just like Twilight, but I personally don't see it, even though Fifty Shades was originally a fan fiction piece. I have to say I am very excited for the move to come out. I'm curious to who will play Ana and Christian. I definitely hope its not Kristen Stewart. In plainest language, I think shes too-boring. Every time I see her, she has that "What the hell am I doing here" stare and its kinda annoying. If she were cast that would also bring the whole "Fifty Shades-Twilight Comparison." I would prefer someone along e lines of Felicity Jones or Lucy Hale for Ana. The only person I see fit for Christian Grey is Ryan Gosling.

Need I say more?
  

    

Lucy Hale

Feliciy Jones

'MERICA!!!!!

So Lady Liberty is celebrating her 236th birthday tomorrow. How do I plan on celebrating? Simple. Doing a rant on the love of my country. I love my country!!!!! My mother and grandmother are immigrants from the Caribbean. So I guess I am "first generation." In all honesty, nowadays, no one, especially newly arrived immigrants of all nationalities, don't show their love and gratitude for the country they now call home. I can't help but feel irritated when someone that lives HERE says "Oh, I'm not American, I'm (insert other nationality here) " My thoughts are like "How dare you say that!" If you dislike this country so much, go back to where you came from! Its perfectly fine if someone says "I'm (nationality)- American" because they hold on to both cultures and identities. But purposely omitting America is rude and disrespectful. Another thing that pushes my buttons is when people refuse to stand for things like the Pledge of Allegiance or the national anthem. You don't have to belt out the lyrics but you have to stand if you are able bodied. At least show some respect.
I know my country isn't the best anymore. China is practically beating us at our own game. But people tend to forget that most of the Chinese live in abject poverty. That cannot be said about the great US of A. Although our economy isn't as great as it used to be, I am extremely proud of our country.
It IS possible to cone to this country and achieve the American Dream. My grandmother did it. She cane here with nothing but the clothes in her suitcase, no understanding of the English language, and very little formal education. But with hard work and dedication, she became prosperous. And she didn't receive any help from anyone. This is why I love this country. The fact that anyone can achieve anything if you put your mind to it. Not that it will be easy and painless, but it can happen. From the bottom of my heart, GOD BLESS AMERICA!