Frustration

      So, as you probably don't know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Crazy, isn't it? What are people doing about it? I can tell you, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I'm sick of the lack of attention Mental Illness gets in comparison to, say, Autism or Breast Cancer (not that having those diseases are "better" in any way...disease is disease is disease). I posted a little friendly reminder to my "friends" on FB about it. In spite of the number of likes, how many people actually care? How many "friends" of mine, who I KNOW (and know for a fact that they themselves have been affected by mental disorder) stand in ambivalence? I honestly can't count how many. Words cannot describe my frustration with these people. I beg of you, if you've been affected,  USE YOUR VOICE. HELP END SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN. SILENCE ALLOWS THE STIGMA TO CONTINUE. I'm not advocating for you to tell the world about your trials, but at least stand by the cause. Unfortunately, I cannot ramble more because I am pressed for time. Til next time,


Sara

What the hell

      It has been about a year since I've last posted anything on here. Since no one in real life cares about what I have to say, I decided to get back to blogging in time for the major life changes that are about to take place in my life.
1. Graduation: The day that I have looked forward to (and continue to look forward to) is about to arrive. Let's just hope I finish my speech in one piece.
2. College: I've recently decided where I am going to plant myself for the next four years. It's prestigious but far from home. I get scared but I always realize that I'm ready to leave. There are too many small minded, unmotivated, meaningless people around here. Someone once told me that unless I want my life to stay the same, unless I want to remain small on the face of a large planet, I NEED to branch out. College is my perfect opportunity.
3. Goodbyes: It feels unnerving to walk the hallways of my school and think that after next month, I will never see these people ever again. While 95% of my school (and the people I know) can go to hell, I can think of three people I'm truly going to miss. I'm also moving after graduation...Don't know how that is going to go.


Sara

I'm Back, I guess

Wow.
     Haven't been here in a while. I've wanted to post, but I haven't had any time. In case you were wondering, everything right now is, quite frankly, fine. Junior Year is coming to a close... PRAISE THE LORD! Senior year is on its way... GOODBYE HIGH SCHOOL! This year has been nothing short of stressful yet rewarding in many ways. I've learned what and who are my priorities, and focusing on those things. Holding my own and becoming more assertive are also two changes in me that took hold this year.
     With the current long weekend, I've been thinking about summer, a lot. I'm so blessed to have an aunt taking me to Washington DC the day after my last exam to celebrate the end of a long and hectic year. Then, there's my birthday. What I'm really excited for is in late July- Vans Warped Tour. Its going to be in my area and more importantly, Silverstein, Blessthefall, and dozens of other bands will be there. With some good convincing, I think I my mom might actually let it slide. (fingers crossed!)
    I then realize that I have two more weeks of school left and my heart pangs. Until next time,


Sara
   

My Music

     Lately, I've been discovering some new artists that I'm beginning to fall in love with. First and foremost, is The Weeknd (pronounced WEEK-END). No, autocorrect, I didn't spell that wrong. I had first come across him (blindly) when I was listening to Drake (the song was "Crew Love" to be exact). I love Drake. More precisely, I love "Marvin's Room" or "Find Your Love" Drake, not The Motto (*cough* YOLO *cough*) or Bedrock Drake. I like the song that makes me miss people I've never known, his emotional songs. I actually confused The Weeknd for Drake initially  It wasn't until my brother corrected me did I realize that Drake wasn't the only person on the track. Then I completely forgot about The Weeknd. Recently, I came across another song, named "Thursday", and I immediately fell in love. To me, The Weeknd is a cross between Michael Jackson and Drake. The content of his music is similar to Drake but his voice is reminiscent of a young Michael Jackson. My favorite songs by The Weeknd (aka Abel Tesfaye) have to be "Wicked Games", "The Morning", "Loft Music", "Thursday", and "Twenty Eight."

     The second artist that I have grown to love is Frank Ocean. I heard about him earlier this year when he revealed that his first love was a man. Which was a big deal coming from someone in the hip hop community, known for its homophobia and the amount of support he received from fellow  hip hop artists. I love the songs "Novacane" and "Thinkin Bout You" (I can't explain the music video) the most. Unlike The Weeknd, whose music is very dark, Frank Ocean's music is much lighter. Both of them produce music I would describe as "Alternative Hip-Hop." While it contains a lot of the subject and lyrics of Hip Hop, the sound and feel is noticeably different. This music doesn't make you want to shake your ass.

     The last artist I wanted to mention is a band named Silverstein. I heard them for the first time while driving back from YMCA with my friend Arielle. I really love the song "Darling Harbour" which reminds me of the 2006-era music scene. Unlike that particular song, their music is mostly punk and emo.  Also Silverstein (like The Weeknd) are Canadians. God, do I love Canadians (except for Justin Bieber). 

A Year Already

     So Fred's birthday is this Saturday. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. And it's finally hit me that its been a year since he's been gone. It all feels so unreal. Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving of my life that will not end with the entire family singing him Happy Birthday and eating cake. I won't run out of my room on Saturday morning to wish my big brother a happy birthday. I won't be able to complain about the fact that Fred is the only person that ever eats the stuffing in my family and that there is no use in making it.  This last year has been tough. I feel as if most people don't sympathize with my loss of my brother. They either don't repsond, act aloof, or say naive things that insinuate that I deserve to be terrorized. Then I remind myself that the relationship I had with Fred is one-in-a-million. In a way, no one (except one person maybe) relates to my bond with my brother. We almost like twins, we look alike (so they say), have the same liverspots on our hands, same birthmark underneath our right bicep, and we both constantly clash with Stephen. Its weird because everyone talks about their "best friend" and saying "(blank) is like family to me." Well, all of my best friends are family. My own flesh and blood. My favorite memory of Fred was when I about six. We were at our grandmother's house and we would go outside and catch lizards. I never caught anything but I enjoyed going because he made me feel important and we would always talk. We didn't discuss quantum physics or the meaning of life but I enjoyed hearing about "big-kid stuff" like homework and races and music with cursing. As ridiculous as it sounds, I remember asking Fred who he plans on marrying. He probably didn't know about incest or the law yet either because he said "If I can't find someone, I'll pick you." Another one of my favorite memories is when we went to Epcot together a couple of years ago. We waited in line for Soarin for about 3 hours, and once I got on the ride, I chickened out because I'm scared of heights. He talked me back in to going on the ride but I was still terrified. I vividly remember him clenching my hand (because he was scared of heights as well) the entire ride and somehow, I felt better. Its weird to think of him today. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder what went through his mind on my birthday. What's going through his mind now that its the day before Thanksgiving and no one has seen him for months. He probably thinks that my family's forgotten him. I wish I could write him a letter reminding him of the unconditional love my family has for him. That even though he hurt all of us, that we all have the strength and courage to forgive. That he will forever be my big brother and hold a special place in my heart.
     I wonder what will happen in this next year. I pray that Fred has a happy, healthy and safe birthday and many more to come. I pray that I will be reunited with my brother. And most importantly, I pray that he will conquer the demons that have possessed him for this past year. I have faith in God that things will get better and I know that with time, faith and prayer, God will answer. If there is a will, there is a way.

I tried so hard, and got so far, in the end, it doesn't even matter.

     So today I took finished my midterms and got my final grades for the semester. I'm not to sure about how I feel about it. I mean, there's all the shit that's going on at home, my grandmother has pneumonia, and I miss my brothers terribly.  Yesterday while at a "study session", which turned in to one big hilarious shit talking fest, a certain friend remarked on why he stopped striving for straight A's. He said that life was much more fun once you let go a little. I currently don't have straight A's, and for the most part (excluding earlier), I'm pretty fine. Jealous Assholes try to make me dwell on the fact that I don't have them (as if having straight A's makes your life any better, happier, or enjoyable) but I'm fine. Life goes on, the sun keeps shining. Sometimes my best won't be an A. Compared to last year, I'm much more happier (albeit more easily irritated). I guess I'm more laissez faire than I was before. I have clubs, I actually do crap outside of school (contrary to popular belief, school isn't the only gig I have going) and spend time doing miscellaneous activities (spending time with family and Grace). I'd rather have true friends, happiness, and sanity, than to drive myself to the brink (or the need of therapy) just for an A on a piece of paper. While A's are nice, they REALLY aren't everything, an idea that is becoming more clear by the second. I can become a doctor without getting straight A's. My calculus teacher (as evil as she can be) even prided herself in being my first teacher to give me a B. Kudos to her. But, I realized (in 20 minutes), that I'm kind of, no, I AM proud of myself. Having 3 AP classes, at least 4 hours of homework a night, my leadership program, NHS, and somehow making new friends has brought me farther than any A I could have ever received. In a way, I took my grades for granted. This was the first time, my best wasn't good enough. Even the best fall down sometimes. I've fallen and I've gotten right back up. I'm kind of glad that this happened. Failure is inevitable and I'm glad to have faced it now and moved on than to have gotten the A and continued to live in a fool's paradise. 

Schizophrenia and Mental Disorder

      Schizo. Coo-coo. Wacko. Nutso. Freak. All terms for people with mental disorders. Mental disorders are stigmatized in the United States although over 20% of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. More likely than not, you will be affected by someone that suffers from a mental illness, whether it be Anxiety Disorders, Schizophrenia, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anorexia etc. Society portrays those with mental disorders as violent, unintelligent, and subhuman. How dare you call someone "subhuman." While not everyone is intelligent (mentally ill people included), not everyone that suffers from a mental illness is stupid. John Nash, an extremely gifted (and Nobel Prize-winning)  mathematician, whose story that was portrayed in the movie A Beautiful Mind, was schizophrenic.
     The mental disorder that has affected me personally is Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a chemical imbalance of dopamine in the brain that causes characteristic auditory hallucinations that are often paranoid in nature. 1 in 100 people have Schizophrenia. Unfortunately, not much research is put into the disease, even though it is common. Schizophrenia (along with Suicide Ideation) is one of the most stigmatized diseases in the United States. While I do believe that diseases such as heart disease and cancer deserve the attention and awareness they receive, I feel like the vast majority of the population believes that they are the ONLY diseases that can be spoken about in public. Research in Schizophrenia should be just as common as other diseases. Schizophrenia just  is a chemical imbalance, just like diabetes.
     I seriously don't see why mental disorders are stigmatized. I hate it when someone says a person "took their own life." It makes the deceased look like they are selfish for what they did, instead of having compassion for a person who was so down that they didn't believe that there was a way out. Its considered good publicity for a celebrity to attend a Heart Disease charity event, but what about a Bipolar Disorder one? More likely than not, no one will seem to care, and if they do, it will be bad publicity. I respect Catherine Zeta-Jones for deciding to open up to suffering from Bipolar II Disorder. Numerous artists have opened up to having mental disorders of their own. But that's not enough. EVERYONE needs to know that mental disorders don't make you less than an average person. If everyone knew this, then more people would be asking for help. The stigma of mental disorder stops many people from acknowledging that they indeed are mentally ill and need help.
     I want to do something. I want to spread the word about mental illnesses, especially Schizophrenia. I want to see a world where people aren't judged for having a mental illness. Where people can realize that mental disorders are just as bad as physical ones, and deserve the same attention. That people with mental disorders are people too. They have wants, needs, responsibilities and most of all, deserve respect.

If you want some more information:
1. Schizophrenia- A Personal Story
2. Schizophrenia-Ashley's Story
3. Mental Illness Stigma
4. National Alliance on Mental Illness